


Forgive Me

by FawnWitch



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Asking for forgiveness really, Benrey is claustrophobic and you can't tell me otherwise, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Claustrophobia, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Josh gets a mention but i don't think it's enough to tag if i'm wrong tho yell at me, Light Angst, M/M, Set after the whole arm cutting thing but before the gun arm thing, Some slight body horror, Sort of an enemies to friends to possibility of lovers?, Unconsciousness, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:42:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26617654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FawnWitch/pseuds/FawnWitch
Summary: Benrey and Gordon take a fall. Benrey, of course brushing it off, has to deal with an unconscious Gordon and get him to safety before his wounds get any worse. On the trip Benrey starts thinking. Thinking about things he doesn't want to think about. He has to deal with his feelings one way or another, and what a better time when the object of his growing affection is knocked out. Fantastic.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 78
Kudos: 548





	1. What Happened To Your Arm?

**Author's Note:**

> This was only supposed to be a one chapter deal, but it kept growing so I'm splitting it up so it reads better.  
> 

Gordon was a bossy know it all at the worst of times. He’d constantly be in Benrey’s face, talking nonsense about this and that and lecturing him on safety; all things Benrey had little to no care for. To care any less he’d have to be dead.

Benrey didn’t think he could get any worse. Turns out he was wrong. Without his right hand being attached to his body, Gordon became **insufferable.**

At even the slightest suggestions Benrey made, Gordon would snarl in his direction, or give some off handed comment about wanting to kill Benrey. Rude. Gordon Rudeman trying to kill Benrey when all he was doing was trying to help him out.

It wasn’t Benrey’s fault Gordon forgot his passport. Or got himself tracked by the military. Or got his hand cut off.

Or maybe…the last part was…

Benrey shook himself off, erasing those thoughts with them. His mind wiped for a second, taking a moment before he reconnected himself to the present. He looked around for anything he could use to ground himself with.

He saw Tommy asleep in the corner. Dr Coomer and Bubby were close by, huddled together in some sort of attempt at keeping warm. One of the skeletons, who followed Benrey over, lay on the ground too, mimicking the actions of the humans even though the thing couldn’t sleep.

Benrey’s mind almost ran away with him again, remember when he was no different from the skeleton. Watching others, copying movements, being completely invisible from it all until he learned how to craft a voice box, then he’d scream to test it out.

No. Bad. Bad thoughts Benrey. Bring it back in. Back to the now.

He looked around again, his movements more panicked and slightly frenzied this time before his yellow eyes caught onto Gordon.

The man wasn’t asleep yet. He wasn’t even sitting down. He stood beside Benrey, looking down to him with a slight sneer and a distrustful glint in his eye. His left hand was holding just below the stump of his cut off limb. The wound was still open, angry and red, and every once in a while, some blood would drip from one of the scabs being broken.

It looked…painful.

Nope! No! Do not think!

“You going to bed?” Gordon asked. Even despite the sneer, his tone seemed genuine. Or maybe distrustful? Didn’t want to sleep while Benrey was awake?

Benrey stood up. The thought of sleeping sent a rush of anxiety through him. No sleep. Not for Benrey. He looked around again, looking over Tommy, Dr Coomer, Bubby, the skeleton… The dead body that was behind him.

He tried to take in details of the room. The bricks. The hole in the wall letting in very little light. They were in some kind of…pit?

“Hey, where’d your…” Benrey started talking without thinking. An act he was prone to do, back in the days of not being too comfortable with his body and surroundings. He’d mostly kept it under control now, but these past few days, the control he worked so hard for was slowly coming undone with his impending anxiety.

“What?” Gordon asked, genuinely confused as he raised an eyebrow.

Benrey looked around again. Tommy. Dr Coomer. Bubby. Skeleton. Dead body. Small room. Little lights. He was safe. Safe on Earth, where he was allowed to live.

Benrey blinked. “…why are we here?”

Gordon blinked at him, taking in the words. His voice came out in an annoyed tone, ending with an exasperated sigh. “To sleep, man…”

Sleep. Human things. Of course. They needed sleep. Not Benrey. He could keep himself awake. Watch over them. His friends. He could protect them while they needed their sleep.

Benrey looked around again, catching the bright red of Gordon’s arm. And the words slipped out again. “What happened to your arm?”

Benrey knew it was the wrong thing to say. Even before Gordon’s sneer turned into a full-on snarl, and then settled to a tired “done with this” look. “Goodnight.” He snapped, moving himself down, awkwardly, to the floor and curling up. He was careful to keep his injured arm off the floor and he shut his eyes tightly.

Eventually the crease in Gordon’s eyelids settled, and his breathing was slow and calming. Benrey picked at his nails, looking around the small room. It wasn’t too small, not enough to worry him. They were in here for safety. To sleep.

Benrey took in a deep breath and looked around the room again.

Gordon. Tommy. Dr Coomer. Bubby. Skeleton. Dead body. Gordon. Tommy. Dr Coomer. Bubby. Skeleton. Dead body. Gordon. Tommy. Dr Coomer… Gordon… Tommy… Gordon… Gordon…

Benrey watched Gordon the whole night.

\---

The next day was no better for Gordon’s mood. Even if Benrey was _trying_ his best to keep Gordon calm. He hardly even spoke to the guy when he could help it, only stepping in when the situation clearly needed Benrey’s help. He took down an apache helicopter just by showing it his passport, and Gordon couldn’t even spare him a thank you! Weak. Weakman. Gordon Weakman.

The team had made their way back inside Black Mesa, carefully creeping through the hallways again as they avoided or fought of the aliens and military lurking about. Benrey missed the outside. He didn’t venture out much but feeling the air on his skin was weirdly calming. He distracted himself by keeping an eye out for Gordon. The man was useless with his no-hand and had to hide around every box and pillar when the fighting started. Benrey always had one eye on him while he shot at the aliens and left the rest of the team to deal with the military.

He couldn’t fire on them. Every time he saw a body dressed in the green camo and red cap, he feared turning it over and seeing Forzen’s eyes staring up at him. Benrey didn’t know if him using his human gun could actually kill him, but he never wanted to take the chance. The Science Team could deal with them. They couldn’t kill him.

“Well gentleman, I do believe with those scoundrels taken care of, we’ve successfully wiped out the entire United States Military!” Dr Coomer, joyful as ever, announced to the group.

Gordon came out from behind his pillar. “I don’t think I believe you…” He huffed. His skin was pale and he was walking on shaky legs like some sort of new-born deer.

Benrey blinked at him. “You looking a lil clumsy there. Got wobbly knees there.” He pointed out. He had hoped someone else on the team would have noticed, but Bubby was wiping off the blood on his coat with Dr Coomer’s help and Tommy had raced on ahead to the next hallway, gun pointed straight ahead of him.

Gordon turned to him with a scowl. “Whose fault do you think THAT is?!” He growled and stomped ahead, pushing past Benrey as he did so.

Benrey watched Gordon leave, with Bubby and Dr Coomer following after him. A bubbling force of Sweet Voice gathered in his throat and Benrey let it out with a long, low tone before he ran to catch up with them. Bubbles of blue, fading into a pinkish coral colour floated up to the ceiling.

_Blue to coral. I wanna put you in the hospital!_

When Benrey caught up, the team had cleared through the next room and now came to a longer hallway. One of Black Mesa’s weird bottomless pit rooms. There was a metal walkway over to the other but it looked damaged. Some of the grates had fallen off, leaving holes in the bridge. The barrier on both sides were bent out of shape, like something smashed against them. Tommy took an experimental step on it and it groaned to the weight. He pulled himself back.

“This looks dangerous, Mr Freeman.” He said, turning to Gordon.

Gordon was looking over the bridge thoughtfully with a low humming sound. “I think it’s the only way across… Unless there’s another way?” He turned to the team for some suggestions.

“Well there’s no other hallways, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Bubby huffed. He was impatiently tapping his foot, obviously thinking of sprinting it over.

“I think we could dig through the metal walls, but that would take a few days and add on to our time!” Dr Coomer suggested.

“Fuck no! I’m still going for that perfect run!” Bubby said.

“M-Maybe if we take it slow… Nice and slow. Like turtles.” Tommy nodded.

Benrey looked over the edge to the blackness below. Quite a drop. “Yo, we could go back outside and come around. Find another way in.”

“It took us this long to find this way in! We can’t lose anymore time.” Gordon immediately shot down Benrey’s idea before he could even think about it.

Benrey snarled at him. What was the point of asking if he didn’t want an answer?

“Looks like we have to cross.” Gordon sighed. “Alright, we go slow and don’t crowd each other. Just—”

Gordon was cut off, by a sudden “Fuck no!” as Bubby sprinted on ahead and over the bridge. The metal groaned at first and shuddered, but Bubby made it to the end without hassle, and turned back to everyone.

“Well hurry up!” He shouted over the bridge.

“Jesus he’s so fast…” Gordon wondered in amazement, looking back and forth between Bubby and the bridge.

Benrey scowled. He could be fast. He had to be to catch up to everyone when they just wandered away without waiting for Benrey. He caught up in record time and Gordon never said shit about it before.

“Alright, Dr Coomer, you next.” Gordon stepped out of the way, allowing Dr Coomer to cross over. He was slower than Bubby but made it over without hassle. “Alright, now—Jeez!! Tommy wait!”

Tommy ran over as soon as Dr Coomer cleared off the bridge. He made it to the end and turned back to Gordon with the widest smile.

“Tommy!” Gordon shouted over. “Man! I was gonna ask you for help crossing!”

“I’m sorry, Mr Freeman. I’ll-I’ll come back over!”

“No! No! Stay there. At least…at least you’re safe.” Gordon held up his hands (well his hand and red stump) to Tommy, signalling him to stay back.

“Gordon we’re going ahead. We’ll clear out the next room while you sort yourself out over the bridge.” Bubby called over while he brought out his revolver. Following suit the rest of the team brought out their weapons.

“Careful!” Gordon called over, but the three were gone further down the hall and turning the corner. Gordon took in a sigh, looking over the bridge and hesitated before he took a step. He then suddenly had a jolt of realisation and looked back to Benrey, as though he had forgotten he was right there.

Benrey grinned at him. “Need some help?”

“No!” Gordon snapped and stepped further onto the bridge. “Not from you!”

“I can help. Benrey is good at helping.” Benrey followed after Gordon. The bridge groaned with the weight of two and Benrey could feel it shudder a little underneath him, but it held for now.

“When have you ever helped?! All you’ve done is hinder us! I’m still sure you’re the whole reason for this! And you got—”

Benrey wandered off when the lecture started. He’d heard it all before, but was somehow startled back in to listening when Gordon suddenly stopped. Did he forget his words? Did he decide to let it go? Didn’t seem like Gordon.

The answer, instead, was far less exciting. Gordon was no longer on the bridge. He was lifted about three feet off it. Legs kicking and arms struggling around his neck, as the rope of a barnacle creature was wrapped around his throat and slowly lifting him upwards.

Benrey looked up to the ceiling. It was high up and hidden in the shadows but there it was. A single barnacle hanging from above. It oozed some weird green slime as the long white rope of its tongue pulled up and into itself.

Benrey wondered how it hadn’t caught any of the others. Bubby and Tommy were fast but it completely missed Dr Coomer even though he had a habit for getting caught in them. Were they just targeting Gordon now?

It wasn’t something Benrey could ask, and he couldn’t really talk with Gordon about it either since the man was still struggling and letting himself be pulled up. Fucking idiot Gordon Freeman. Why didn’t he just shoot the thing already? He’d done it so many times and now he was…oh.

Benrey saw the red stump again and remembered, with a sharp realisation that Gordon couldn’t use his guns, or probably even think to use his other hand considering his face was now turning purple.

Benrey brought out his gun. Old trusty Passport, and opened fire to the creature. He missed the first shot, but the second as a direct hit, tearing through the monster an it died with a squeal, letting it’s tongue go slack and releasing Gordon.

Benrey heard a loud gasp and then a metallic **BANG** as Gordon fell back down onto the walkway. He cringed at the noise. Right. Humans didn’t usually survive those. Oops.

Gordon wasn’t like most humans though. He was gasping and sucking in air while pushing himself up on his shaky left arm.

“See what happens when you fight Benrey’s help?” Benrey couldn’t help but jab in.

Gordon took in a breath. He looked like he was going to scream, but he never got the chance.

The walkway let out a long, worrying groan. It was louder than the others, like metal scraping against metal before there was another loud bang and then the walkway shuddered.

Benrey felt the metal under him give way. It wasn’t a long drop at first. The walkway only caved in slightly, jolting Benrey to his knees as he tried to find balance. He tried to think if he could grab Gordon and run to the other side in time but the question was answered for him when the walkway jolted again, and then it fell apart.

Benrey saw Gordon yell something, and look over to Benrey, before they both fell into the darkness and Benrey lost sight of everything.


	2. They Separated His Arm!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best chapter. But it had to be done

It was rare for Benrey to be knocked unconscious. He could technically ‘die’, if enough damage was done to him but that was nothing. Death was like a quick powernap. His body died and he would spend seconds or days healing and rebuilding himself and then he was ready to go again. But being knocked unconscious was…unpleasant.

At least when Benrey died, he was aware. His soul (or whatever it could be classed as) could still see and think and move as he willed. But when he was unconscious that wasn’t an option. It meant losing control. In the span of time between the darkness, Benrey was unaware and vulnerable. Two feelings he did not like.

He awoke with a jolt and a sharp pain shooting up the side of his body and smacking into his brain. Benrey pushed himself to sit up with a grunt, taking air into his lungs and grasping onto the cold concrete below him.

He was still in Black Mesa, whether that be a blessing or a curse. What was he doing again?

Oh. He’d fallen. Him and Gordon were on a walkway when the thing collapsed and they were plummeting down into darkness. Right. Speaking of…

Benrey took a slow look around the area. It was dark, almost impossible to see, even for Benrey. The ground was littered with rubble, broken metal and wooden boxes piled up at one of the back corners. Seems Black Mesa’s bottomless pits weren’t so bottomless after all. Benrey looked up but he couldn’t see the top where they’d fallen from. It was like a dark void was looming above them.

Benrey cast his eyes around again, trying to spot Gordon. Did he leave without him? It wouldn’t surprise Benrey in the slightest. Gordon had been looking for any chance to shake him off ever since the whole arm thing. Why couldn’t he just take the incident and move on? Stupid Gordon Humanman! Holding onto useless grudges!

Benrey was about ready to give up and wander off to find the group when he caught a flash of orange sticking out from under one of the metal grates. Benrey blinked, taking notice it was part of the walkway which had fallen, and the orange was part of the HEV suits leg.

“Idiot…” Benrey muttered under his breath. Stupid, sexy, smart Gordon couldn’t even avoid a bridge falling on him.

“Ya stuck buddy?” Benrey called out to the darkness. Gordon probably couldn’t see anything. His eyes weren’t used to the darkness and he was stuck under the grate. “Need help?”

No response. Typical.

Benrey wanted to hear a simple please, but if Gordon was keeping up the silent treatment Benrey didn’t have the patience to see how far it would go. Maybe another time, but right now he was ridged and wound up. He lifted the grate off Gordon with ease. It was heavy, he could feel his arms shaking but he threw it off to the side with little effort, cringing at the thud it made and looking back to Gordon.

Gordon was turned over onto his front, and his eyes were peacefully shut. Like he was asleep. No. Not asleep. Like…

“Ah shit…”

Of course. If the fall knocked Benrey out it for sure knocked Gordon out. Or…worse than knock him out…could he…?

Benrey felt the rise of his Sweet Voice bubbling through his lips. Yellow manic, time to panic! He rushed to Gordon’s side, kneeling down. Nothing looked broken or smashed. Benrey had seen horrors of people falling or being tossed with great force. He expected half of Gordon’s face to be smashed in, but as he slowly turned Gordon onto his back it was thankfully free of such damage. The biggest worry was the slash along his jaw and up his left cheek. It had been pressed into the concrete.

“Hey! Uh… Gordo? Gordon! You up?”

No response. Anxiety came off Benrey in waves, flipping his stomach and coldly gripping his heart.

_No! No! No! No! No!_

Humans had heartbeats, right? Benrey’s own heart would beat, uselessly, in his chest in a mimic. That meant humans were alive right? Benrey tried to rack his brain, remembering the very basic first aid he was taught when he got this shitty job. He had to check Gordon. Check for a pulse, yes? Where was that?

Benrey remembered it was somewhere in the neck and placed his fingers under Gordon’s jaw. Right under the slash. He felt nothing for a moment moved his fingers. Thankfully, now, he could feel it. A small, weak pulse lightly beat against Benrey’s fingers.

With confirmation of life, Benrey felt the anxiety slowly ease out him. They weren’t completely out of the woods, but at least there wasn’t a dead Gordon.

“Okay…okay…” He spoke aloud to himself. Step one, Gordon was alive. That was great. That was somewhat great. It was better than not great.

Benrey tried to look around the room for some exit. Ladders, a hallway, even an elevator or something. There was no obvious way out, but from behind one of the stacked-up boxes, Benrey could see the edge of a doorway. He looked back to Gordon, keeping his eye on him as Benrey went over to the boxes, throwing or breaking them out of the way.

There was a small doorway behind the boxes. It led down to a dark hallway, but at the end of it there was a dimly flickering light in what looked like an old laboratory room.

Benrey made his way back to Gordon. He buried his hands under Gordon’s arms before deciding if he should carry him as such. Would that be comfortable? Or safe? What if Gordon had some other injuries, something under his HEV suit?

Benrey froze. A million thoughts and scenarios ran around his head before deciding to chance it, and he started dragging Gordon through the small hallway.

Gordon’s head rolled on its side, leaning against his shoulder. Benrey only calmed himself by remembering that Gordon wasn’t dead. He was only unconscious. He dragged Gordon into the dim room, trying to keep fast but careful not to jostle the guy too much.

The room looked like an abandoned laboratory. It wasn’t dishevelled, nothing like beakers and vials laying all over the tables, but it had been untouched. A thick layer of dust lay over everything. The walls were coated in old grime and cobwebs. There was one light working, which was nearer the entrance they just came in, flickering on and off every so often, plunging the room into momentary darkness before lighting back up.

Benrey tried to find the cleanest looking table, or counter and settled on an island counter in the middle. He made a half effort of wiping away the dust over the top of it before lifting Gordon up and laying him flat out. He was careful to rest his head down before pulling away and trying to access the situation.

Okay. Gordon was unconscious; but not dead! He had a bad cut along his face but he seemed okay…didn’t he?

Benrey ran his eyes over the HEV suit. He couldn’t tell if there were any injuries under it. What if his arm was shattered to pieces, or his leg was amputated? What if he was just being held together by the suit and the moment it opened…

Okay. No. Pull it back Benrey.

Before his thoughts ran away with him, Benrey remembered a small detail from his time at first aid training. Most cuts needed to be cleaned with disinfectant. And most Black Mesa first aid kits came with some.

He whipped his head around, quickly scanning the room before spotting the green medical bag hanging on the wall.

 _Yes!_ He beamed and zipped over to it.

However when he opened the case, it was completely empty.

“What?! NO! What stupid scientist needs first aid?! Why take everything?!”

Benrey slammed the thing shut, uncaring at it jostled from the wall and fell to the ground. He turned back to Gordon with his fingers in his mouth and pressing on sharp teeth. His heart pounded in his chest like it was trying to catch up to his brain.

No first aid…not in this room at least.

At the other end of the room was another hallway. It was just as small and dark as they one they came from and if there was a room at the end, it had no light.

Benrey stepped forward to walk to it before stopping. He looked back to Gordon with anxiety tugging him either way. He couldn’t leave Gordon alone and helpless. What if more aliens came? Or what if he woke up confused and tried to run? What if he didn’t make it?

Benrey calmed himself with a slow, deep breath. The risks had to be worth it, and from the looks of it not even the Xen aliens had made their way down here.

Making a promise under his breath to come back, Benrey zoomed on ahead. The next room was not a lab, but instead it was an open hallway, with tall ceilings and large empty metal containers in each corner. Benrey carried on and came to a hallway with a set of doors on each side. He burst through the first door, somewhat relieved to find the room was an old office, in the same state as the lab had been but there was a first aid pack on the wall. Empty again as the lab’s had been.

This time Benrey didn’t lose hope. If this office had them, then the others might too. His theory turned out to be correct and he was zipping from room to room, tearing open the boxes to find nothing in them. For the first couple he did it all the normal way, walking in and out of the rooms. But when he got to the third room and there was still nothing, he threw normality out of the window and started phasing through the walls to get to the next room.

Finally, at the second to last room, Benrey found a first aid kit fully packed.

Benrey came back to the lab, anxiety calming when he saw Gordon again.

The first aid kit was fully stocked, to Benrey’s surprise and gratitude. Few of the items were familiar from his day on first aid training, and his mind was turning his memory over trying to bring up anything he learned. Why didn’t he pay attention?

He knew the most important lesson anyway. When there was a wound, you had to clean it or infection would set in. Benrey was all too familiar with that plight.

There was a bottle of disinfectant and a cloth that Benrey decided was clean enough. He dabbed the wet cloth against the slash, trying to be careful and gentle as possible.

Gordon didn’t move. Benrey knew the sting disinfectant had so seeing Gordon still to the sensation was worrying. He tried to push the thought away and focus on the task at hand. One thing at a time Benrey.

When the cut on his jaw was cleaned, Benrey fumbled and fought with the bandages before getting one that was just about the right size and carefully placing it over the cut. The soft white pad covered over Gordon’s cheek and just under his jaw.

Benrey’s eyes wandered down over the HEV suit, and dread filled his stomach. He couldn’t imagine the injuries that lay under there and he wasn’t sure his one day of first aid training was going to help. If Gordon needed proper help, Benrey needed to find the rest of the Science Team, or a medical station. But judging by the flickering lights, he wasn’t sure enough power reached down here.

If the situation was going to get worse, Benrey thought it best to deal with it now. Taking in a deep breath, he moved his hands around the back of the HEV suits neck piece. He fumbled for a moment before his fingers felt an indented button and he pressed it in.

There was a loud clunk followed by a low hiss and Benrey watched the HEV suit shift and come undone. The metal shoulder and neck protector detached from its chest and Benrey caught it. He slowly worked it up over Gordon’s head before pulling off the front of the HEV suit’s chest piece.

Under all of the metal, Gordon wore a plain white tank top. It was thin, yellowed slightly from age and possibly sweat and ruffled against his skin. It dipped slightly at Gordon’s chest, showing his dusting of brown chest hair.

There were no serious injuries Benrey could see, apart from a large bruise over Gordon’s left shoulder. Benrey tried to tentatively feel around it but nothing felt broken. He pushed at the other release switches of the suit, taking it off piece by piece and trying to access any damage. Under the legs and boots, Gordon had on black shorts and wool socks. They were longer shorts than most, and hugged close to his skin like bicycle shorts. Gordon was in far better shape than Benrey would have thought, and he realised he’d spent so long staring at Gordon before shaking himself and pushing on.

Apart from bruises littered here and there, his bones were thankfully kept together.

The last piece Benrey removed of the HEV suit was the arm. The right arm…where the bloody stump that was once Gordon’s hand lay.

Benrey swallowed a lump in his throat, trying – and failing – to avoid looking at the old wound. It hadn’t healed completely. It was still scabbed over but from the fresh blood dripping onto the table, it had opened from the fall.

Benrey went to grab his wrist but flinched before he touched Gordon. A sudden jolt of anxiety shot through him. It felt like if he even lay his hands on Gordon, his skin would burn.

He made another swallow, this time his throat growing dry.

“It wasn’t my fault…” Benrey mumbled. His lips felt wet and he realised he had been biting his lips. His teeth tasted metallic. “I-I didn’t…”

Benrey shook himself off. The prickle of anxiety still ebbed into his skin, but he ignored the shuddering calls and grabbed Gordon’s wrist. It was a little harder than he meant to but Benrey was working of pure survival. He might as well clean the wound now, since Gordon no doubt never got a chance to clean it before.

The wound reopened from Benrey’s, rather frantic, cleaning but there were spare bandages in the first aid that seemed clean enough to use and wrapped it up.

Benrey left the labs again, scouting out the rooms in the halls ahead. Further down from the offices there was a staff room with a table, chairs, a large whiteboard and a somewhat decent enough couch. A powered off vending machine lay at the end of the room but when Benrey smashed it open it was empty.

He thought of carrying Gordon on ahead and trying to climb through Black Mesa to find the rest of the team but he couldn’t risk it. He wasn’t sure he could carry Gordon and the suit pieces with him, as well as being ready to pull out a gun to any aliens that came up on them. He decided, in this somewhat erratic moment of clarity, it was better to let Gordon rest.

Benrey carried Gordon to the breakroom, laying him softly over the couch cushions. He tried to hit off as much dust as he could, keeping it clean as possible. It wasn’t the in the best conditions but it was soft enough for Gordon to lay on. Benrey could only hope it was comfortable. Although, he supposed Gordon couldn’t really feel it.

Gordon lay upon the couch while Benrey settled beside it, leaning back against the edge. He could hear Gordon’s breathing behind him. Slow and deep. The rest of the room feel into silence, and Benrey wrung his hands together, trying to think how he could pass the time.

The thought of sleep came to him, but he shook it out his head. His helmet jostled slightly and Benrey took it off, throwing it down before gripping his hands together.

No sleep. He couldn’t sleep. That idea was shot as soon as it came to mind. He pressed his thumb into the palm of his other hand, pressing his nail into the flesh till it felt close to breaking. Something to keep him alert. Whenever his mind started to wander, he’d press the nail back into his flesh and focus on the pain again.

Benrey carried on his pain and wander for a few hours before he felt a sudden shuffle behind him. The move was sudden, and startled Benrey out of his thoughts. He turned to Gordon, full of hope the man would be waking up but Gordon’s eyes were shut and he was still.

“Wha…” Benrey half turned his body and Gordon moved again. It wasn’t a conscious movement, and it was more like a jolt of electricity was shooting through his body.

“Uh oh…”

The jolt happened again and Benrey reached out. He stopped just before his hand could touch Gordon’s skin and froze. Was he supposed to touch him? Was it a fit? Did you hold someone down if they were having a fit? He wasn’t exactly shaking, but it was concerning each time.

After a long pause, Gordon gave just a little shudder this time and Benrey pressed his hand to Gordon’s cheek. He felt cold and clammy. Benrey pressed his fingers to the pulse point he remembered and felt it fluttering weakly. Benrey had to guess he was in shock.

“Shit… Fuck! Okay…”

Benrey wasn’t taught how to deal with shock. He heard about it, from scientist and murmurs between the guards when one of them had fallen into a nasty experiment and was being treated for it.

_Humans are supposed to be warm. Not cold!_

It was the first thought in his head, and with nothing else to go on Benrey ran with it.

He pulled himself up and unbuckled his vest. He moved Gordon up so Benrey slipped in behind him. One of Benrey’s legs pushed against the couch. The other dangled off, not exactly fitting but he had both his legs on either side of Gordon’s hip. He slowly brought Gordon back to lean against his shoulder while Benrey shuffled himself down to press his back to the arm of the couch. Eventually, with some effort and awkward movements, they settled into a somewhat comfortable position. Gordon lay over Benrey’s chest, head resting on his left shoulder.

Benrey settled slightly when he felt the shudder run through Gordon again. He cursed under his breath and focused for a moment, feeling his body heat up. He waited again but the shudder never came and after waiting for what could have been hours, Benrey relaxed.

Feeling Gordon breathing on him was weirdly intimate. He watched Gordon’s chest expand and deflate with every soft breath. A few times Gordon’s head would turn, and his breath would tickle against Benrey’s neck, making him shudder. He’d moved him, the first few times, but eventually he just left him to lie. Feeling some comfort from the puff of air on his neck.

In such a position there was less thoughts to occupy his mind. Whenever Benrey started digging his nails into himself, Gordon would move, or his breathing would flutter and he’d be at full attention. Gordon’s left arm slipped from the couch and Benrey had brought it back up, planning to lace it over his other hand when he realised the sudden flaw with that plan.

Gordon’s wrapped up stump lay at his side, just about touching Benrey’s leg. A heavy feeling sank in Benrey’s chest as he lifted it to cross around Gordon’s midriff. He had the other arm try to cover it, but the prickling thought was always there, reminding him of the bloody mess.

“I didn’t…know. It…ugh. It wasn’t me who told them to…” He mumbled. Gordon didn’t move or respond and Benrey couldn’t decide if he was relieved or annoyed from it.

“It wasn’t supposed to be that way…”

\---

_Benrey had been separated from the team, again, and wandering through the vast, lost hallways of Black Mesa. He couldn’t remember how long he had “worked” here but even still he could never figure out the maze of the place. He was lucky he even found his post every morning._

_Down one of the long and unnecessary hallways Benrey saw the flash of green camo and brought out his pistol ready to fire. Then when they turned to Benrey, his heart sank and beat uncomfortably hard._

_Forzen._

_The silence was awkward. Benrey asked what he was doing here, and Forzen explained. The call put in for an emergency, and when they arrived to aliens and creatures swarming them the military didn’t know who was friend or foe. They were following through the trail of destruction. Following the tracking chip that had been placed in every HEV suit. And the only one walking around right now was Gordon’s…_

_So Forzen presented his idea._

_“Come on, he’s leading us all right to you!”_

_“He’s not…doing it on purpose.”_

_“No, of course he isn’t! But you think the military is gonna go easy on you? On any of you?! You killed a lot of us dude!”_

_“You all fired first!”_

_“Alright! Alright…look. The military just wants questions answered and Gordon is the man for that! We just want him. And after we get him, you and the others are off the hook! We can’t track you! Do you really want to be led around by Gordon? You KNOW where you’re eventually going, right? Or…maybe you want to go back there…?”_

_“No! No! No No NO!”_

_“Okay! Then, we have a deal?”_

_“You won’t…hurt him…right?”_

_“No! We just want to ask him questions to know what’s going on! We’re just trying to sort this shit out!”_

_“…s’fine…”_

_Forzen clapped his hand onto Benrey’s shoulder, with an ominous smile. “Thanks, brother.”_

_“Brother”. A term neither of them had used for each other in a long time. The word lost its use when they drifted so far apart. Both of them crawled their way out of Xen, terrified and alone. They stuck to each other before they each felt a calling in different directions. Forzen went to the military. Benrey went to Black Mesa. Neither of them kept in touch, and when they saw each other again, the word “brother” wasn’t the word he would use anymore._

_Yet when Forzen walked off, Benrey felt the ache in his chest and longing for that closeness again. Forzen understood him. He was the only one Benrey could talk to without weird looks and murmurs, and he was gone again._

_Down the line, when he met up, Bubby caught wind of the plan. Benrey had been muttering something and Bubby connected the dots, eager to assist. Cool. Yeah. More help the better. Less chance things would go wrong._

_Wrong._

_When Gordon stepped into the room, and the facility plunged into darkness, it wasn’t Forzen who stepped out. A group of nameless men came, wrestling Gordon down and beating him to submission._

_That was…fine. Gordon deserved to be knocked off his peg a bit. He was always so bossy and would never listen to Benrey. This was fine._

_Then the knife came out, and feelings of fine swept out of Benrey’s body. In one swing there was a flash of red, and Gordon’s still gloved hand lay motionless to the ground as Gordon rolled in shrieking pain._

_“OH! They separated his arm! What the hell…”_

\---

Even when they had escaped the military, Benrey let himself slip away from the group. His first thought was to find Forzen, and demand what went wrong. He wanted to find Gordon and explain everything was a terrible mix up and misunderstanding. Following both those wants led him further into Black Mesa, where he found neither of the people he wanted, and pushed the incident so far out of his mind till it felt like a dream. Till he willed it to be a dream. When he saw Gordon again, with the bloody uncovered stump of his hand, his mind was pulling between panic and still holding onto the belief it wasn’t real.

It wasn’t real. He could _make_ it not real!

But when Benrey looked down to Gordon, breathing so softly and slowly, with cuts and bruises and a missing hand, it was undoubtedly real.

And it was Benrey’s fault.

“… I didn’t… I didn’t mean it…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the headcanon/idea that Forzen and Benrey are brothers. Even if not that, Forzen is definitely not human


	3. Teal and Green - Healing Beam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right! So! This was supposed to be done much earlier but everything went wrong. Half way through this, my pipes burst and flooded my house. THEN a week or so later, my roof was getting work done and a man fell through my ceiling into my bedroom. On top of my bed. While I was still in bed. So if there's any excuse I can use for this chapter being so warbly, it's that.

The first sensation to hit Gordon when he woke was pain. It wasn’t like a terrible pain, nothing that could kill him, but it lingered as an ache in his bones, seemingly pulsing all the way through him whenever he breathed.

His mind was still trying to catch up to his consciousness. His eyes were heavy and refused to open but his other senses slowly came back to him.

Even if he was in pain, he felt warm. Warmer than he had felt in a long time. The HEV suit did well to keep him covered and it would heat up from his own body heat, but this was more a softer, comforting heat. Reminded Gordon of being wrapped up warm in bed. Wherever he was, the room smelt stale and thick with dust.

Memories came back to him almost instantly. He knew he’d taken a deep fall and the pain was probably from that. The Science Team probably dragged him to a nearby med station; or they were leaving him while they went in search for one.

But wait…he wasn’t with the Science Team. They had run off ahead. Gordon was left on the bridge alone.

No…not alone. With…

Gordon’s eyes opened slowly. His vision was blurry and a headache started to form. The room was dark, nearly impossible to make out if it wasn’t for the very low power bulb above. It looked like some old breakroom but it clearly hadn’t been used in years. Gordon could tell he was on the couch but…there was something not right.

He was out of his HEV suit, which explained the pain and pressed against something that wasn’t the couch. Something alive and breathing. The arms wrapped around his chest were familiar but unwarranted. He felt a pressure on the back of his neck. Hot breath against his skin and lips brushing against his skin, murmuring something.

Gordon froze to take in the situation. As far as he could tell, from everything he could see, Benrey was holding him back against his chest. Even as Gordon tried to strain to hear what he was saying, his lips were pressed too close to Gordon’s skin to make out anything.

The initial shock had defrosted, and Gordon tried to move, pushing himself up suddenly. Benrey seemed almost prepared for that. His grip tightened as soon as he felt Gordon move, and his mumbling seemed to increase.

“B-Benrey!” Gordon yelped, but fear chocked his other words. Was Benrey in some sort of breakdown?

Gordon’s heart thundered in his chest as he looked to the doors of the breakroom. Were more men on their way? Was Benrey told to just keep Gordon in place while they found them, then they’d finish the job?

Either Benrey had moved, or Gordon’s ears were working better, because the mumbling had cleared up and Gordon could, just about, make out words.

“…didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.”

The same thing, over and over, repeating like it was some sort of prayer. His voice was so even and unchanging. It was like Benrey was stuck on a loop.

“W-What?” Gordon was trying to take in this strange situation one thing at a time. He felt vulnerable without the HEV suit, but too weak to do anything as the pain shot through his body. Benrey’s arms around him and the warmth pressed against Gordon’s back were confusing him to relax and heal but also panic and run. Gordon couldn’t even look at Benrey without remembering that horrible sound of his hand separated from his arm.

But something in Benrey’s meek, mumbling voice kept him from freaking out. Maybe it was curiosity winning out.

“Benrey?” Gordon tried again. Louder but his voice softer.

“Gordon!” Benrey’s voice snapped to attention. His head pulled back from Gordon’s skin, but his arms gripped tighter around Gordon’s chest. “I-I didn’t mean it! I swear! I-I didn’t mean it!”

“Calm down…” Gordon said while trying to keep himself calm and control the rising anxiety that was building in his chest. Benrey may have been acting more meek than usual, but he was still unhinged and dangerous. “What are you trying to say, man?”

“It wasn’t s-supposed to be like that!” Benrey started. His voice was fast, tripping over himself, but Gordon let him get out whatever he needed. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to be able to sway the conversation. “They weren’t supposed t-to do that! They just wanted you – They said they just wanted you to talk. Forzen promised…”

“Forzen?!” Gordon was trying to catch up with everything. His mind was reeling.

“He said they’d take you away but they wouldn’t hurt you!” He held on tighter to Gordon’s chest. His hands gripped into the tank top so tightly Gordon feared he’d rip it. “He promised they wouldn’t. But then they brought out the blade. They cut you. And it wasn’t…supposed…”

_Oh…_

_‘I didn’t mean it’_ was Benrey talking about Gordon getting his fucking arm chopped off.

Suddenly on the same page, Gordon felt his body drenched in sweat. His heartbeat, which was already on a sprint before, felt like it was trying to burst from his chest as his mind kept repeating that same cutting sound of his hand being removed. He could feel his body shake.

Gordon tried to move to pull himself up, but Benrey held tight still.

“Benrey…”

“I-I didn’t mean for it to happen!”

“Benrey.” Gordon tried to make his voice sound firmer. It was difficult when he could hear his throat shudder.

“I didn’t!”

“Benrey. Let go.”

Benrey hesitated but his grip on Gordon’s tank top slightly lessened and his arms slowly, eventually, slipped from Gordon’s frame. Gordon pushed himself up further on the couch, groaning with the pain as he did.

“Yo-You’re still i-injured…” Benrey said. His words seemed to slur more when he was high in anxiety.

“The HEV suit gives morphine to help with that.” Gordon said through gritted teeth. It made him sound angrier than intended. Not that he _wasn’t_ mad but… He couldn’t be sure of his emotions right now. It was easy to pick out anger from the clouded mess of his mind. He couldn’t think straight from the pain, which seemed to only worsen when he sat up straight.

“I had to check you. It’s right here! I got-got it right here!” Benrey pointed off to the side of the couch. The HEV suit lay in a bundle, but it had been placed with more care than Gordon thought Benrey possible. “I-I can help you back in.”

The word ‘no’ was quick on Gordon’s tongue, but he stopped himself. There was no way he could get into the suit by himself. It was tricky enough even with two hands. And Benrey seemed like he was trying to be somewhat helpful. He didn’t seem so chaotic and frenzied at least.

“Fine…”

Benrey shuffled out from behind him, moving down to the floor beside the suit pieces. Gordon got a good look at him; or as good a look as he could from the dark room. He had his vest and helmet off, looking more casual and easier than Gordon could think possible. Benrey’s hair was surprisingly fluffier than he thought, considering he seemed to always wear the helmet. It was longer than Gordon thought, reaching just past his shoulders and flicking out wildly and it must have taken a lot of folding to hide all that hair in the helmet. Gordon half expected a buzzcut. Not something so frenzied and weirdly cute.

He could almost say Benrey looked normal.

If Gordon hoped the act of putting on the suit would be simple, he was unfortunately wrong. Dressing someone was already intimate and with Benrey’s weirdly soft attitude it just brought it to another level of weird and tender. He helped Gordon slip into the leg covering before fastening up the HEV boots. Gordon expected Benrey to be quick, throwing the pieces on him, but instead he was slow and surprisingly gentle. He pressed in the fastens without pressing into Gordon’s leg, making it less painful.

Putting on his waist and crotch guard was harder, especially when Gordon had to stand and found that his legs were not ready for that at all. He shook and buckled, gritting through the pain but he had to place his hands on Benrey’s shoulders for support.

Benrey must have caught on to the pain. He tried to work faster than he had before and when he was finally fastened in, Gordon sat back down.

“You think you can walk?” Benrey asked while grabbing the arm pieces.

“I have to.” Gordon grunted.

Gordon pushed his hand through the sleeve of the suit, moving onto the arm with the injury next. He saw the dried blood still on the edge of the sleeve and his stomach flipped with nausea. He pushed his arm through, surprised to see the wound was covered up with bandages.

Gordon blinked in disbelief before he looked over to Benrey fastening on the armour of the HEV suit. “Did you…?” He lifted his right arm in show.

Benrey glanced over. “Wha… Uh. Yeah.” He looked back to the left arm he was fitting the armour onto. His yellow eyes focused. “Got bandages from the first aid kit. Gave you uh…a look over after the…well. And had some left-over bandages and disinfectant. Gotta get you all clean.”

The mention of disinfectant eased a worry Gordon had been carrying for days. Since trekking off after the whole arm cutting deal he had been praying for disinfectant, or even a shower to clean the wound with what he could. God knows what sort of muck had already gotten into it.

“Did I have any more injuries?” Gordon asked while Benrey helped fit around his chest piece. He gave a look up to Gordon while his arms were still around him. Gordon felt his face heat. “From the fall?”

Benrey hummed and slowly pulled back. The shoulder/neck piece was last; Gordon’s least favourite if he was honest. It was uncomfortable turning his neck, and his chin would catch over the metal frame, but that had most of the workings to administer morphine and check his vitals so he couldn’t go without it.

“Little cut. On your cheek.” Benrey tapped his left cheek before raising the neck piece up over Gordon’s head. “Cleaned it though…”

Gordon waited till the metal hit on his shoulders, feeling the click of it attaching to his chest piece before he raised his hand. He couldn’t feel anything through the gloves, except he could make out a sort of bump along his cheek and down his jaw. A bandage?

The HEV suit hissed to life. There were a few experimental beeps as Benrey backed off, sitting on the ground just in front of Gordon. The suit made a low whirring noise before Gordon felt the first small sting pressed into his skin (he could never tell where) and he was pumped morphine.

Gordon couldn’t help the groan of relief that slipped from his mouth. His shoulders eased and he leaned back onto the couch. The pain wasn’t completely gone, but it was a sweet burst of relief for that small moment, slowly passing over his limbs.

The suit gave another loud beep, and Gordon held back the snort of laughter as Benrey jumped.

“What’s that?” He asked quickly.

“The suit warning me I need to find a med station.” Gordon grunted and pulled himself forward. “Or… a hospital.”

Gordon pushed himself to sit up, stopping only when he noticed Benrey was unmoving in front of him. The scare of the suit had passed and his eyes were looking up to Gordon; unusually soft and pleading.

Gordon felt an uncomfortable drop in his stomach. “What?”

Benrey blinked. “F-Forgive me…”

The drop in Gordon’s stomach suddenly flipped. Even with Benrey’s soft approach and weirdly tender attitude, he never expected Benrey to be asking for forgiveness.

Gordon’s answer was immediate. “No.” It pushed up his throat, like bile and spilled before he had time to stop it. Not that he would have lied, but even he knows he could have been more tactful about it. But then…should he have been? He didn’t owe Benrey anything. Certainly not forgiveness.

The hurt on Benrey’s face almost made Gordon cave, but the pain throbbing through his arm reminded him of his anger. The rage and pain when he felt the blade come down. The anxiety when he first saw Tommy and how he’d be jumping at anything the team said or did if it was done too fast. Gordon couldn’t shut his eyes for long without being thrown back into that awful memory.

“P-Please? Forgive Benrey?” Benrey tried again and while Gordon considered it, he saw Benrey’s hand reach forward for his knee and Gordon couldn’t stop his body’s response to move away. Benrey flinched back.

“No!” Gordon snapped. “What you did… What… You fucked me up! I can’t just forgive that!”

“I didn’t mean it…” Benrey mumbled while his hands started fiddling with each other, nails scraping against nails.

“That doesn’t change anything!” Gordon’s voice raised and Benrey’s shoulders flinched. “You had them cut my arm off!”

“I-I didn’t mean it… That wasn’t supposed to happen…”

Gordon let his mind believe that for a second. Could it have been something that went wrong? Between his screaming, and coughing over the beating that he was getting, he could hear the team talking. He could remember the words of encouragement from Bubby and Benrey. The gloating and laughter. When the cut finally came he did remember some…change. Bubby went to full surprise and Benrey was…somewhat shocked. But the pain was overwhelming and Gordon couldn’t be sure what he heard. He blacked out not long after that, and maybe it had all been something his mind had made up. Something just to give him some relief as he slipped into the darkness that maybe, just possibly, the team he had trusted hadn’t betrayed him.

Gordon steeled his heart. “You didn’t stop them though.”

The accusation hit where he needed. Benrey’s whole body flinched and he pushed himself back before slowly standing up and out of Gordon’s space.

“I’m sorry…” Gordon heard Benrey whisper. Despite the pitiful tone, Gordon’s mind was made up and he stood up without acknowledging it.

“How far down are we?” Gordon tried to steady himself as he stood. The pain was nowhere near as bad as before, but it wasn’t perfectly okay. He took a small step to test it out and while it was painful, it was nothing that would stop him.

“Dunno…” Benrey mumbled. He grabbed for his vest and helmet, putting the helmet on first. Gordon had missed how he folded his hair but soon it was all tucked away and hidden. Only some tufts stuck out his left side. “Fell down one of the pits. Bottomless pits. Gotta-uh…tell Tommy when we see him it isn’t to the centre of the Earth.”

Benrey fell back to somewhat easy tone naturally. It put Gordon on edge, but also put him in the mind to set aside this stupid incident for now and focus on getting out.

Benrey fastened on his vest when he gave a look to Gordon. When he never spoke, Gordon felt safe to ask “You…coming with me?” He could never be sure if Benrey ever wanted to follow them, or it was just out of a boredom with nothing better to do.

Benrey fiddled with his fingers again, keeping his eyes on them as he gave a slow shrug. “Uh…yeah. Someone gotta babysit you. Walking like a new-born.”

“I’m lucky I’m walking at all!” Gordon half laughed in pain. He took another few steps to work off the stiffness but that brought forward the pain. He grunted but carried on, managing to make it to the door without collapsing. When he got to it, he leaned against the doorframe to regain himself.

“You uh…sure you’ll be fine?” Benrey asked coming up behind him. The talk seemed to set in him and he kept his distance.

“I have to be, we can’t just stay here. I need a med station!” Gordon pushed himself forward. The hallway outside was dark down either side. There were some lights flickering in the distance and around one of the corners, but no indication of a way up.

“I can go ahead and look.” Benrey offered.

Even with such a casual offer, Gordon felt anxiety spike. “No!” He snapped before he could stop himself. “No… There’s always leading hallways. They’re usually all connected. We’ll just pick one.” And with that Gordon looked down the left side and decided, beginning his walk down.

Benrey hesitated for a moment before he began to follow, keeping a slow pace behind Gordon and keeping distance between them still. Gordon felt both parts relived and worried for the space between them, but he couldn’t let himself focus on that. He just tried to push on, ignoring his body crying in pain as he did.

\---

Gordon’s timekeeping was already sketchy as they were locked inside the walls of Black Mesa. The florescent lights gave no sway to day or night. Before the team would settle down when they were tired or – in the rare chance – they had some windows to the outside and could see it was clearly night. Gordon already knew his internal clock was messed up and with the pain coursing through him at each step, there was no chance.

He tried to keep up his usual pace but the pain slowed him considerably. He wasn’t sure if it was minutes or hours after he and Benrey set off, but he knew he started moving slower.

Benrey kept unusually quiet for the journey. He kept pace behind Gordon until he started to slow down, then he kept at Gordon’s side. He never said anything, which Gordon was thankful to, but he just matched Gordon’s pace and kept walking. Sometimes giving a look over one in a while. Gordon wouldn’t admit he was grateful. It was good to have someone there if he ever did fall over. Though he wasn’t sure if Benrey would catch him.

Between the completely black hallways and dimly lit spaces, the came to a rather short hall with red lights. It looked like a backway hall, one engineers would use or it would be used in an emergency if the main hallway was blocked off. Gordon couldn’t remember seeing another hallway in the last room, but then he didn’t exactly have the map planned out in his head. There were huge pipes running along one side of the walls. Gordon couldn’t be sure if they still had a use but the hallway did feel weirdly warm.

“I gotta rest.” Gordon grunted as he lowered himself down. There were metal boxes lined up halfway down the hall, and Gordon chose one of them to lean against. “Do you know how long we’ve been walking?”

“Uh…no.” Benrey stood off just a bit from Gordon, switching between looking up the hall and down. “I don’t keep time.”

“Yeah, didn’t think so…” Gordon sighed. He tried to lean back between the wall and box and get as comfortable as he could. The suit always made it hard to sleep in. He was longingly thinking back to the break room. While his time out of the suit was painful, at least it was nice to feel the warmth and comfort of someone. Even if it was Benrey.

“You gonna sleep this time?” Gordon asked.

“What?” Benrey’s attention snapped to Gordon, blinking like he had just became aware. “Ah. Nah. I don’t…uh, I don’t sleep.”

Gordon had noticed that, in the days travelling with Benrey in the group. He’d hardly lay down, and in the times he did he still had his eyes wide open. “You don’t need sleep?” Gordon asked from genuine curiosity. He had clocked on that Benrey wasn’t human, despite first thinking the guy was just fucking with him when he announced it after they first met.

Benrey shrugged. “Just uh…waste of time. Don’t like not being…aware.”

Gordon had to replay that sentence in his head because Benrey seemed hardly aware even when he was awake.

“I can kinda get that.” Gordon tried to sound understanding. Not that he was lying, but he was trying to watch his tone around Benrey, especially if they were going to be travelling. Better to be somewhat acquaintances than at each other’s throat. “But like, do you _need_ sleep? Do you collapse or lose energy?”

Benrey seemed not to hear. His eyes looked ahead again down the hall and he paused before answering. “No. Hey!” He switched subjects quickly and looked to Gordon again. “I can go on and look around. Try find a way out while you rest.”

It was a good idea, but the thought of being alone sent Gordon on edge. He had no weapon and with his injuries he couldn’t run from anything. The thought of being abandoned lay in the back of his mind but he shook his head. “No, man, that’s… You don’t need to.”

Benrey frowned. “I can clear out any of those nasties that come up.”

“I don’t think any came down here. I don’t think even aliens know this place exists.” Gordon had been cautious of the rooms they came upon, looking in each corner and shadow but apart from bugs and dust, nothing was here. “You think even Black Mesa remembers this is here?”

Benrey’s lips twitched in thought. “Probably not…” He mumbled. Gordon didn’t want to admit he was thankful when Benrey started to sit down. He came beside Gordon while keeping a good few inches of space between them.

They fell to an awkward silence that Gordon tried to ignore as he leaned his head back to the metal box and tried to sleep. While the suit’s morphine offered him small relief at the beginning, the pain came back as aches in his bones. Even when he wasn’t moving it was a like a constant pulse shooting through his body.

Gordon worried what could be causing it. No bones were broken (a miracle really) and he hadn’t sustained any big injuries apart from the cut Benrey said was on his cheek. That worried him that it was something inside hurting him. Internal bleeding or a cracked bone.

“You keep moving.”

Benrey’s voice pulled him from his daze. Gordon opened his eyes to see Benrey beside him, yellow eyes looking at him. Gordon couldn’t exactly say he was falling asleep, but he was annoyed to be pulled fully into the world of wake.

“I’m still in pain.” He grumbled and reset his position. It gave him a moment of relief before the pain came back.

Benrey gave some look of concern. “You got the suit now. It stops pain, right?”

“It doesn’t…” Gordon sighed before he lost his temper. “It doesn’t stop pain completely, it gives me some morphine to help but it doesn’t give it all the time.”

Benrey’s face twisted in confusion. “Why? That’s stupid.”

“People can get addicted to it.” Gordon calmed his voice by reminding himself Benrey was not human and probably didn’t understand or know some things.

A flash of understanding came over Benrey’s face. “Oh.” He nodded and looked down to the floor. Gordon thought it would be left in that silence, but Benrey spoke up again. “How is your baby?”

Gordon raised a brow in suspicion. “You suddenly interested in my boy, who looked ‘a bit shit’?”

Benrey gave a small wince and readjusted himself. “Talking helps, yes? Distracts you from pain, right?”

Gordon felt guilty. He shuffled a bit to reposition himself before he replied. “Yeah…he’s fine.”

“Is he still a baby or…?”

“He’s 3 now.”

Benrey nodded even though Gordon doubted Benrey even knew what that would look like. He was willing to bet Benrey had never seen a kid in person.

“Where is he now?”

Gordon felt a longing pain in his chest. “He’s staying with his grandparents just now. Work was busy and unreliable for raising a baby so his grandparents are looking after him.”

Benrey nodded again. Gordon expected the follow up question which always came as “where is his mom?” but it never came. Benrey probably didn’t have that normal line of thought. That was fine. Gordon was up for explaining that part.

The talking was helping keep Gordon’s mind active, and in the silence that followed, his pain came back. So Gordon tried to think of something quick to talk about.

“Hey, Benrey. How long have you worked here?”

“Wha?” Benrey turned his head, jostling his helmet slightly. He seemed to realise the issue and removed it, the hair tumbling out and down his shoulders. “Uh… I don’t keep count. Long time, at different Black Mesa stuff. But-uh… I-I got sent to this place…nearly been a year now.” He answered while he looked down, turning the helmet in his hands.

That was just a little more than Gordon. “Weird I’ve never seen you before.”

“Evaded me for long enough. Trying to slip by without your passport.”

Benrey’s voice was light, almost laughing and Gordon just rolled his eyes. “How’d you get the job?” Gordon wondered aloud. Thinking of Benrey going through a job interview was a hilarious idea, but he couldn’t see it working out for him.

“Oh. Uh…” Benrey seemed uncomfortable with the attention on him. His hands gripped onto the helmet tighter, but just as Gordon was going to tell him it was okay, Benrey replied. “Sort of…right place, right time I guess. Uh…” he tapped his fingers over the helmet, making some sort of tune, “when we uh…came here and split I wandered into Black Mesa. They needed security and I could watch people easy enough. Easy job, easy life.”

Gordon nodded while running the sentence in his head again. “We?” He repeated. Benrey looked up, as if suddenly realising what he said. “Are there more of you?”

Benrey’s eyes glanced away. “…Three. There’s three of us.”

“All the same? Like clones?”

“No. Different…”

Gordon couldn’t imagine the horror of three Benreys. Or people with Benrey’s abilities. Were they the same? Did they act like Benrey and have the same outlook or did the blend normally to other humans? Gordon wanted to ask, but Benrey already seemed uncomfortable revealing he had…siblings? Gordon didn’t want to push it.

He also didn’t want to have his suspicions confirmed that the skeletons had something to do with it.

The talking worked again, but with another bit of silence the pain returned, and Gordon gave a visible jolt at the pain. Enough that Benrey looked over with concern.

“That bad?”

Gordon nodded. “Maybe we should have just kept moving. Don’t think I could sleep through this.” He said, only half joking.

When he looked to Benrey he saw the man give him a thoughtful look. He had placed his helmet down beside him, but kept his finger over and lightly tapped. “Hey…uh. I could help out, maybe? Get you some of that Sweet Voice? Teal and green, healing beam?”

The idea of the Sweet Voice never crossed Gordon’s mind. Mostly because he was trying to ignore it. While he was curious and openly admired Benrey’s ability, the exact workings of it still confused him. The ability to change someone’s emotions baffled and scared him. He still remembers getting hit with the blue calming beam and a wash of ease overcame him with a taste of blueberry. When it passed though, Gordon had felt the prickle of anxiety return, concerned that his emotions could be so easily swept up. What other emotions could Benrey make him feel? Could he force Gordon to anger? Sadness or grief? Did he have one for love?

“How much will it…do? Like, what would it heal?” Gordon asked carefully.

Benrey gave a slow shrug. “Minor injuries bro. Get rid of some debuffs and shit. Like a short rest. Something like the morphine but longer.”

Gordon wanted to reject it, but he felt another jolt of pain through him. As though pushing him to accept, the pain came in two waves; reminding him he didn’t really have the luxury to reject. “Fuck…” He grunted. “Alright.”

Benrey looked genuinely surprised. “Y-Yeah?”

Another jolt. “Yeah, man. Yes, please? I’d like the heal beam Sweet Voice please!”

Benrey shuffled closer to Gordon. He rose up on his knees as he came in beside Gordon. He had on his more usual smile as he did. The more confident, little shit smile. It was weirdly more attractive to see with the helmet off. “Like the sound of ‘please’. Mannersman finally-uh…m-making a show.”

Gordon scoffed. “Replacing my last name with anything on the subject gets less funny every time you do it.” He said, though had the thought that maybe he shouldn’t be arguing with the man who was giving him possible relief.

Luckily, Benrey seemed to take it in good fun. He just grinned to Gordon before switching to a look of concentration. He slowly opened his mouth, just enough for a swirl of teal and green orbs to float out. It was a lower note than his usual blue, but still harmonious and Gordon felt the orbs burst against his face and lips.

The effects were immediate. The pain almost instantly faded and washed Gordon over with a calming aura. He pushed around his tongue in his mouth, tasting a hint of fresh mint. Gordon felt his shoulders slumped and he fully leaned back to the wall. He wished he could be out of this suit. He wished he could have been lying on something more comfortable.

“That’s…r-really good stuff…” Gordon felt his words slur. As he was free of pain, the tiredness seemed to hit him twice as hard. His eyelids felt heavy. “How’d you come across that stuff?”

Benrey settled to sit down again, but was more noticeably closer to Gordon’s side. “Born with it, bro. You can’t just pick up that talent.”

Gordon hummed while he shut his eyes. He felt his head sway but he didn’t want to lean over on the metal box. Instead he went the other way, landing on Benrey’s shoulder. He felt Benrey’s skin jump under him before he slowly settled.

“How come you never used that when I was unconscious?” Gordon asked after his yawn. He really wanted to lie down but pushing up to Benrey’s side was good enough.

“Uhh…” Benrey’s voice shook slightly. “I-It can get addictive. Like with your morph-morphine stuff. Don’t know if it even works on someone who’s not…all there to receive it.”

Gordon hummed again, sleep tugging at his mind, but his mouth kept moving. “Can all of you do that? The ones who came with you?”

If Benrey reacted to the question physically, Gordon couldn’t feel it. Benrey’s shoulder at that moment felt like the softest cloud, carrying him off to dreamland.

“N-No.” He heard Benrey say through the approaching sleep. “We each have different…talents.” Gordon felt something press against the top of his head. Something warm. “One of us can stop time…”

The words swirled in Gordon’s mind curiously, pinging something in him he should have connected, but the last will to stay awake was gone, and Gordon drifted off into a peaceful, warm sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally it was only supposed to be this chapter and then the next chapter would be the "finale" as it were. But...well things change. We move. Two more chapters to go.


	4. Let Me Out Of This BOX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half way through this, computer crashed and I lost a GOOD chunk of work. Honestly was going to scrap this whole thing but the comments gave me the kick I needed and kept me going.

Gordon awoke thankfully pain free, but his body was stiff. He opened his eyes up to the red ceiling, flinching a little as he looked right into the light. The warmth from last night was gone. His head was leaning onto the metal box and his neck felt tense when he moved it. He was pleasantly surprised when he moved his legs and the pain never came.

Gordon gave a look over and Benrey was still sat beside him. He seemed preoccupied with looking down the hall, not noticing Gordon was awake.

“Hey…” Gordon tried to keep his voice soft, but Benrey still jumped none the less. “Everything okay?”

“Wha? Oh. Yeah. Everything’s all good. Just uh…just making sure we aren’t getting snuck up on.” Benrey shrugged.

“Anything?” Gordon asked as he stretched his shoulders.

“Nah. Nothing here. Nothing sneaks up on us.”

Gordon wanted to point out that he had technically snuck up on Benrey but left it. Instead he pushed himself to stand up. Free of pain, but he was slow and stiff.

“Feel better?” Benrey asked. In the seconds of Gordon standing up, Benrey had folded his hair again and pulled on his helmet.

Gordon tried a few steps. “No pain. I don’t think it could be considered better.” His legs still buckled and he was walking slower. At least the pain was giving him more of a drive to move, but now he just felt weak and sluggish.

“You be alright?” Benrey asked with concern.

“Have to be.” Gordon stood himself up straight. He felt dizzy and his next steps were shakier. If Benrey noticed he never said anything. He silently kept in step with Gordon, only walking slightly ahead to check around the corner and then give Gordon the nod it was all clear. Gordon had given up looking out for aliens. It seemed the threats of above didn’t reach them down here. His only goal was walking as steady as he could and trying to find a way to the rest of the team.

Gordon started to notice on his travels with Benrey that while they were moving forward, they weren’t going upwards. Just as Gordon was beginning to panic they might be completely trapped, they came to a huge open room, with metal stairs leading to an upper level.

It was a good sign that even from the bottom of the stairs, Gordon couldn’t see to the top, but he was not looking forwards to the climb up. While today he was free of pain, apart from the few aches that cropped up, he was slower and weak. He felt colder and was silently panicking that there might be some slow internal bleeding which was slowly taking his strength.

“Don’t think it’s to the top.” Benrey pointed out, taking a few steps onto the metal stairs. They looked old, but nothing broke or creaked as Benrey stood on them.

“It’s up at least.” Gordon said and they began their climb.

With a railing to hold onto, Gordon did better than he expected. He could pull himself up easier, but after – Gordon counted – about 50 or so steps, he started to slow down. The aches in his legs started to come back, and he was more sluggish pulling himself up.

“You need help?” Benrey asked. He was a few steps ahead on a metal platform. Luckily from here, Gordon could see the end of the stairs ahead. It was still far away but at least there was an end in sight.

“Just a break.” Gordon huffed when he pulled himself up on the platform. He lowered himself to sit down, landing with a thump. “Hopefully this level will have a med station.”

Benrey was still standing, looking down with concern as Gordon leaned back. It was weird to see Benrey so expressive, when most of the times he’d flip between the thousand-yard stare and blatant confusion.

“I could help.” He offered. “Could carry you. Would save us time, yes?”

“It would be too heavy, wouldn’t it?” Gordon was pretty in shape, but he knew the HEV suit weighed quite a bit.

“Nah man. I can carry you. You ain’t that big.”

“I didn’t mean me! I meant-“ Gordon ended it with a sigh. “Either way,” he moved on, “it would be a hassle for you.”

“Yo, when you gonna listen that I’m not human. I got you easy.”

Gordon considered it. Some form of his manly pride wanted to refuse and insist he could walk himself, but Gordon never gave in to that much. When he needed help, he would ask, and if someone was offering then Gordon would consider it at least.

“…If it’s no trouble for you.” Gordon considered. Benrey beamed to that. “But just to the top of the stairs.”

“Nah, man! I got you all the way.” Benrey crouched down by Gordon; presenting his back for him to climb on.

Gordon argued all the while he climbed up on Benrey’s back. He worried Benrey would lose balance, but as soon as his arms wrapped around Benrey’s shoulders Benrey hoisted him up with no problem, keeping his arms wrapped under Gordon’s legs for support.

“Good?” Benrey asked. Gordon was thrown off with the concern for a moment before dumbly nodding. He had his head leading over Benrey’s right shoulder, and with confirmation, Benrey gripped tight and set off. “Dope.”

The worry Gordon had proved to be completely unfounded. Benrey moved no more slowly as he had Gordon on his back, only awkwardly adjusting every few steps to get a good grip on Gordon, but once he was readjusted the stairs were done in no time.

Gordon expected Benrey to rest, or at least set him down, but instead he kept moving on through the dark room. Gordon could hardly see with the dim lights but Benrey moved without fear.

“Dude, you can put me down.”

“Nah man, I got you! Look, I’m not even breaking a sweat!” As through to prove his own point, Benrey started doing long squats instead of simple walking. The movements did not agree with Gordon’s light-headedness.

“Alright, alright!” Gordon squeezed onto Benrey’s shoulders. “I got it! You’re a strong man! Just don’t drop me!”

Gordon saw Benrey’s grin pull on his face before he settled back into a walk. He seemed to carry Gordon with ease, like he weighed less than a feather.

“Oh, more compliments. Gordon buttering me up.”

Gordon felt almost bad the way Benrey preened under his compliments. It reminded him that during everything that happened, Gordon hadn’t been the nicest to him. But then, Gordon felt he was completely justified. Since the beginning Benrey had done nothing but get in his way and slow him down. Even before everything with…his arm…Benrey was a constant fight. Gordon didn’t have the right ID. Or he was acting suspicious because he got lost for a second. Or he was stealing. Benrey always found something to pester him about.

But then, between the arguments, there were some good moments. Benrey was surprisingly funny. Before everything got fucked up, Gordon remembered laughing with the stupid and silly things Benrey would say. He remembered actually enjoying hearing the sound of Benrey’s Sweet Voice, even if he was using it to cocoon the scientist he just murdered.

Every moment with Benrey wasn’t terrible. But…after everything…

Gordon stopped his train of thought there. He was enjoying these rather nice moments with Benrey and until he could get proper rest (and perhaps more blood into his veins) he wouldn’t dwell on it now. The two just needed to survive.

“Maybe I’m scared if I say they wrong thing, you’ll drop me.” Gordon joked.

“I’d never drop you! Wha-Uh… What would Tommy say to me if I turned up with a bruised, dropped Gordon. He’d never let me forget it!”

“Tommy? Really?” Gordon raised an eyebrow even though Benrey couldn’t see. “I didn’t think he’d care too much.”

“Oh, he thinks the world of you. Like some big-big brother or like…a nerd superhero.”

The idea of care seemed so foreign to Gordon right now. His whole trust was shattered and building it back up was a step he really wanted to focus on after they got out of this hell. But of all the scientists, he had to admit Tommy was the only one he could say he had some sort of a friendship to. He sounded genuinely upset when Gordon was jumped.

“Tommy is… Tommy’s cool.” Was all Gordon could think to mumble out. He felt fuzzy and woozy and silly for enjoying the thought of someone actually caring for him.

“Tommy is the next coolest person, besides me.”

“Of course.” Gordon scoffed.

The two made quick work, travelling faster than they would have gone if Gordon had been walking. They passed by abandoned, forgotten and torn apart rooms with ease. Gordon was worried in some of the rooms were the walls were crumbling and half of the floor was filled with rubble that it would be too hard for Benrey to navigate but even despite Gordon trying to climb off his back, Benrey when on ahead, walking over the debris with ease and navigating through the dark rooms like it was nothing.

When they came to another set of stairs, Gordon stopped bugging Benrey to be put down and just let himself be carried. It was a shorter flight of stairs, but at least they were heading up.

In a strange reverse of how Gordon thought it would work, the more they went up, the worse the damage of the place seemed to get. The rooms below were just abandoned, with a few being dishevelled, but the rooms they passed through now looked like they were being held up by a thread. Walls broken or torn down completely, machines crumbling and dented and ceilings had caved in.

“What happened down here?” Gordon wondered aloud. He glanced over at the damage to the walls of the room they were in. He saw scorch marks on some of the walls that were left up and bullet holes on few others. A fight?

“Was…ah, no. It was just before I got here…why I got here. Some sort of explosion.” Benrey responded. Gordon hadn’t expected the answer and turned his head to look at Benrey, genuinely curious and amazed that he could remember. “I only heard through others though.”

“What happened?” Gordon prompted for details.

“Some experiment or something.” Benrey carefully shrugged so not to dislodge Gordon’s grip. “I don’t know details but they were running something experimental and it…didn’t go well. Explosions and all that. Rooms fell apart. People trapped.”

His grip around Gordon’s legs got tighter. “I was called here to help out. Extra security as some were injured and could pull people out. Uh…a-after that they just kept me on. Some guards never came back. Some didn’t…yeah.”

Gordon caught on and kept any more questions he had to himself. It was strange seeing Benrey so sombre about something, although Gordon wasn’t sure if he was taking on a serious tone out of respect, or he was just deep in thought to remember.

“Some of the rooms below though were fine. Just abandoned.” Gordon pointed out. He had a horrifying thought of people being trapped below, unable to get out and the rescue teams wouldn’t reach them. Would Black Mesa have just left them? Gordon tried to shake off the thought, remembering that they had seen no evidence of bodies or skeletons.

“What you gonna do when we get out?” Benrey suddenly asked.

Gordon was confused but grateful for the shift. He didn’t like the sombre tones with Benrey. “When I get out…hmm.” Gordon paused in thought. He had so many ideas pop to mind, but only one stuck out.

“See my son, obviously. Take all of my holiday days and spend time with him.”

“You’ll still work for Black Mesa?”

Gordon hadn’t even thought of that. He just assumed business would carry on as usual but honestly, after everything, he wasn’t sure he could set foot in Black Mesa again. “Never thought about it…” He mumbled. “I just… I guess I’ve got sort of a ‘wait and see’ look. That’s for future Gordon to deal with.”

Benrey nodded, walking on a bit before Gordon asked. “What about you?”

Benrey was silent for a moment before he answered. “I’d like to go outside again.”

Gordon waited for Benrey to continue, but he never did. He blinked. “Just… that? Go outside? That’s all?”

Benrey gave a firm nod. “Yes. We…uh. We went outside that little bit. I liked that. Breeze felt good…”

The statement shocked Gordon. Going outside was a treat for Benrey? Something he didn’t do. “Benrey…what do you do when the workday ends?”

Benrey shuffled his shoulders uncomfortably. “Just…I dunno I wander around.”

“In the building?”

Benrey shrugged again. “Yeah. Or…between. Like uh…fazing through walls and stuff.”

“You never go out? Have you…never been outside before this?”

“Not that I remember. I crawled here and I…uh… I didn’t really know what or where I was. I wasn’t really…aware then. Woke up in Black Mesa and h-uh… Was given a job.”

“But you got sent to this place. So you had to travel for it.”

“Travelled in a truck. Sent right in. No side trips.”

“So you don’t have a home?”

Benrey shook his head. Gordon felt a pang of sorrow in his chest. He had to constantly remind himself that Benrey wasn’t human. But now he wondered if Benrey was so…non-human because no-one gave him the chance to be one. Someone gave him the job at Black Mesa. So it was likely that someone knew that at the end of the workday, Benrey didn’t go home.

Someone knew about Benrey.

The two carried on with a strange silence between them. It was only broken every few rooms as Benrey would boast he could probably jump over a huge hole while still carrying Gordon and Gordon would lecture him about not doing it. They came to the entrance of what Gordon guessed was a long hallway, but while the usual hallways in Black Mesa had high ceilings and spacious floors, this one had nearly collapsed in on itself. The rubble made a much smaller tunnel. It could just about squeeze in Benrey carrying Gordon, but Gordon would have to lower his head.

With every other room Benrey approached like it was nothing. This was the first one he hesitated at.

“Might be a tight fit. I can walk through.” Gordon offered. He moved to pull himself off of Benrey’s back, but Benrey’s grip suddenly tightened.

“No!” He snapped. “I got this. We can-Yeah. I got it! Icandothisnoproblem!”

Benrey’s voice was quick. He always spoke relatively fast but there were few occasions he spoke so fast that Gordon could hardly hear the words slurred together.

“It’s no problem man…”

“I got this!”

Benrey wouldn’t hear any more on it, walking ahead before Gordon could say another word. Gordon just had time to press himself close into Benrey’s back, lowering his head to practically rest on Benrey’s shoulder.

It was a tight squeeze. The walls were closer in than Gordon had thought. In some spaces the sides were brushing against his arms, really closing in on them. There were some crumbled parts of the walls over the floor and Benrey had to crouch to a near crawling position to get through.

Gordon awkwardly held on while trying to make himself as small as possible. Suddenly being in a tight spot, the HEV suit felt more clunky than ever. He could feel the back of the suit scraping off the wreckage above and just prayed the suit couldn’t be damaged in the scuffs. The tunnel wasn’t far though and Gordon could see the light up ahead of the exit. Benrey’s steps had slowed somewhat, carefully treading and stepping over unstable holds, but he was making progress at least.

Gordon was inwardly praising Benrey for his careful approach, when he stopped. No gradual slow down, or even a warning, Benrey just stopped, and one of his hands holding Gordon up fell forward, catching him as Benrey suddenly sank to his knees.

“H-Hey! Benrey!” The fall forward caused Gordon to yelp, but the fear was pressed aside for concern. “I told you if it was too much, I could have walked! Here, let me just…”

He stopped as his ears strained to hear the faint noises below him. A low sort of note, pulsating like a heartbeat with a murmur, followed by a few bubbles of colour, floating up from Benrey’s mouth which was producing a steady stream of the swirling, but never mixing, colours.

Yellow and black.

Gordon didn’t have time to ponder what those meant when he heard Benrey mumbling below him.

“Out. Want out. NEED out. I need out. Out. Not again. Not here!”

It followed in a string of slurred words, like he was trying to say one word but halfway through he’d say another.

“Benrey? What’s going on, man?” Gordon tried to keep his voice steady but he wavered.

“Can’t…can’t be here… Can’t think…”

Gordon felt Benrey shudder under him.

“Need out. Out. Out!”

Benrey’s hand holding him up shook. Gordon worried it was the starting signs of a fit, but when he looked to Benrey’s hand his stomach dropped and realised something much worse was coming.

The tips of Benrey’s fingers started darkening. The black of his nails seemed to spread, leaking out over his pale skin, slowly turning his fingers a deep black that was only spreading further up his hand. Gordon watched the bones under the skin shift and his fingers started to grow, looking less human and more like claws. Shoulders under Gordon’s arms shifted unnaturally. Gordon could feel the bones bending under him, but he was distracted by the little black flecks flickering off Benrey’s face.

He couldn’t see Benrey’s face, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to at that moment. From the left side of his helmet that Gordon could see, he saw something push against the helmet and jostle it. Small black flecks of something fell from Benrey’s face, fluttering down and disappearing to nothing, but Gordon could have sworn a few of the flecks had yellow eyes.

_Yellow and black. Panic attack._

Gordon was used to his fair share of panic attacks. He never imagined something as un-human as Benrey was capable of them.

But then, he remembered back at the start of this whole journey. Gordon had went into his locker and Benrey followed him in just to be a pest. Dr Coomer had stood behind them, innocently and curiously looking in, and Benrey had shouted, nearly howled, to be let out of the “box”. When the team had rushed into a small room and the door out had shut, Benrey was at the front of the charge almost pleading with the door that refused to open: “Open door! Open! Door open!” Even his hesitation at the front of the tunnel should have been a tell.

_Claustrophobic. How could you not realise he was claustrophobic?_

Gordon tried to rack his brain, pulling up the old painful memories of working through his own attacks and helping with others. He remembered few of the tricks to get him to calm down. Feeling another’s heartbeat or matching his breathing to theirs. Both of those solutions were useless as the HEV suit stopped any sort of close contact. And Gordon didn’t even know if Benrey had a heartbeat of his own. Would it be comforting to him?

Benrey’s knees started to shake, and warp and Gordon was pushed on by instinct alone. Maybe Benrey didn’t have a heart, but he could feel something.

“Benrey. Hey, Ben…” Gordon spoke softly as he could. He wasn’t exactly sure what emotional state Benrey was in, but he always appreciated soft voices to him when he was in the throes of panic.

Benrey didn’t respond. His body shook and the black under his helmet seemed to grow and push more. Gordon saw a glimpse of something growing out of his face and peeking around the edge of the helmet, but he ignored it. Not being pushed off or told to stop was a good a sign as any for now.

“Do you remember outside?”

Benrey stilled at that. The shaking suddenly stopped.

“You remember being outside, right? You liked it. The breeze on your skin? Remember the blue sky above and the open air.”

_**“Liked…it…”** _

Benrey’s voice warbled in an inhuman fashion and Gordon swallowed down the fear.

“You wanted to go outside again, remember? We can! I promise you when this is all over, we can go outside. We can go anywhere outside! I’ll take you to see a park. A field. Wide open and with fresh air.”

The shaking from Benrey had stopped. His bones under his skin no longer shifted. The hand clutched into the ground relaxed slowly, pulling up his claws from being embedded into the rubble.

“We can go there…” Gordon made his voice softer. “But we just have to get out of here. The exit is right up there, you can see it.”

Benrey looked up. Gordon couldn’t image the state of his face, but something seemed steady in his voice. “I…can see…”

The black spreading over Benrey’s fingers slowly dissolved. Gordon had never been so happy to see the pale skin as he had in that moment. Their shape returned to normal, and Gordon could feel the bones under him adjust and morph back to position. The thing that pushed out of Benrey’s helmet had receded and his helmet fell back to position. He slowly lifted his arm and held onto Gordon’s thigh once again. “I can see the end. I-We…We can go. Outside.”

Benrey’s legs wobbled as he pushed himself up. His hands gripped onto Gordon’s thighs and Gordon gave a small squeeze into Benrey’s shoulders as reassurance. The end of the tunnel was in sight. The lights were streaming in, brighter than any other room they’d been in before.

“I can make it.” Benrey repeated the statement a few times as he pushed himself on. Gordon kept silent; his only reassurance was giving Benrey’s shoulder a firm squeeze every time he hesitated. But Benrey never stopped again. He carried on, pushing through the debris and crawling under the fallen walls until both of them, finally, emerged out.

The room they came out to was thankfully huge. It had a thin stream of water flowing through the middle of it, coming from a pipe on the left side. The water didn’t look as dirty as the other pools they had seen but Gordon still didn’t trust it. The side Benrey and Gordon emerged from was a small metal platform, with a larger concrete one on the other side of the indoor stream, connected by a small metal bridge.

Gordon climbed down off Benrey’s back and Benrey didn’t even fight it this time. His shoulders were slumped and his voice was rather unsteady.

“I need… to rest.”

“Yeah, that’s fine man. We can stop for the day.” Gordon nodded. They both, silently, agreed to cross the bridge and take rest on the other side. The stone would be no more comfortable than the metal, but there was most space to lay out and not risk falling in the water.

Benrey sat down by some metal containers pushed up against the back wall beside the doorway out. Gordon followed slowly after him. He wasn’t sure if Benrey wanted company or space right now and stood awkwardly looking around for a moment before Benrey asked.

“Sit. Please? With me?”

Gordon lowered himself beside Benrey, holding back his grunt of pain. He hadn’t had a bad jolt of pain for a while, but he knew his boy was still in the process of healing and he wasn’t completely right. Gordon was so distracted with the pain for a moment that he didn’t notice Benrey had taken his hand and was holding onto it tightly. Gordon knew he should have felt some instinct to pull away. But instead he just squeezed back.

“Alright?” He asked when a few moments of silence had passed.

Benrey slowly nodded. His calloused thumb brushed along Gordon’s knuckles, and Gordon felt a weird longing to feel them touch his skin.

“You saw?” Benrey suddenly asked.

Gordon blinked. “What? Saw what?”

“You saw what… I became. Did you see what…happened?”

“Oh.” Gordon was trying not to think about what he saw, but a part from Benrey’s hand turning black and feeling a few bones under him shift, he never technically saw anything. “No. I couldn’t see you.”

“Good.” Benrey was so quick to response it was practically a snap.

Gordon wanted to give Benrey some sort of comfort. Relief that whatever happened in the tunnel wasn’t something to be ashamed of or that Gordon didn’t care whatever Benrey turned in to. He remembered feeling a drop of fear when he saw the questionable eyes, but it wasn’t fear for Benrey. It was a fear for Benrey’s wellbeing.

Of course, Gordon couldn’t put that into words. He could barely understand the feelings himself. Putting it into something Benrey could understand was a task he wasn’t sure he could face right now.

“Listen, man…” Gordon started. While he couldn’t get all the feelings that he wanted out, he knew he couldn’t keep in silence. “I’m sorry I never…noticed before. The claustrophobia thing. We should have found another way, or something. I wouldn’t have put you in if I’d known.”

“Wha…” Benrey looked at Gordon for the first time since leaving the tunnel. Gordon couldn’t explain the relief at seeing Benrey’s face so normal and not whatever it was before. “No! I… I wanted to go in.” He darted his eyes down again. “I thought I could…with you. Thought it’d be okay.”

“You don’t gotta push for my sake, Benrey.”

“Thought I could though… Thou…uh…you-you make me feel like I can. Like I can do anything.”

Gordon felt the heat rush to his cheeks. It wasn’t helped by the fact that he could literally see Benrey’s cheeks turn pink. This was the only moment Gordon was thankful for the HEV suit so Benrey couldn’t feel how sweaty his hand was.

“Y-You need Heal Beam again?” Benrey fumbled. The blush over his cheeks seemed to settle when he wasn’t looking to Gordon.

“U-Uh…” Gordon felt it ironic he was the one fumbling with his words now. “No. Not in pain exactly. Just more…uncomfortable now.”

“Uncomfortable?”

“I mean, no-one likes feeling nauseous.” Gordon rolled his shoulder. He only just noticed it was the arm holding Benrey’s hand and Benrey must have taken it as Gordon trying to pull away because he let go of Gordon and slipped his hand away. Gordon held himself back from reaching for it again.

“Been a while since I’ve eating too. It’s just… Body must be all kinds of messed up.”

Benrey perked up a little. “I could give you some Sweet Voice. Uh… Not heal but uhh…some-some calm.”

Gordon felt disappointed he wasn’t getting the heal beam, but then he remembered Benrey’s warning about it being addictive. “That would be great… Would help me sleep.”

“A-Always here to help.” Benrey gave grin before shuffling himself closer. He pushed himself up to kneel in front of Gordon, settling down so his face was just inches from Gordon and he was settled between Gordon’s legs.

Gordon felt his face flush again. Was Benrey this close before? He couldn’t really think or remember when Benrey put his hand over Gordon’s shoulder, and opened his mouth for the familiar tone, and bright blue to spill from his mouth.

The ease and relaxation of the heal beam surprised Gordon, but he remembered this one fondly. The anxiety left over from the tunnel was gone. Gordon felt his mind float in a thoughtless bliss. Every thought and worry in his head were erased and he gave a dreamily sigh.

“That stuff is amazing...” Gordon could feel his words slur but he didn’t care. Everything was just wonderful in that moment. Even the warm puff of air hitting his lips every time Benrey breathed.

“You finally realise the amazement that is Benrey.” Benrey’s grin widened and Gordon felt a warmth in the pit of his stomach. “Finally seeing my true uh…true potential.”

“You were always amazing.” Gordon let slip. He had no filter with his thoughtless bliss. He was just enjoying the pleasant floating feeling, and glancing at Benrey’s lips, wondering how they could feel against his.

Benrey’s blush rose to his cheeks again. “W-Woah. That’s gay dude.” He laughed a little, bringing back some of the easy attitude but the blush never faded.

Gordon just grinned. “Yeah…well I kinda am so…”

Another orb of colour fell out of Benrey’s lips. It was a bright pink and followed by a higher note than the calm blue had made. Gordon watched it float along to him.

“What’s that?” Gordon asked. His eyes followed the orb float back and forth towards him, putting him in a trance.

“Ah! Shit!” Benrey pressed forward, as though trying to catch the orbs again. He did burst a few on his own lips. “D-Don’t take that one! I-Its-!”

But by the time Benrey warned him, the orb burst on Gordon’s lips. A sweet taste of bubble-gum swept along his tongue, and the heat that pooled in Gordon’s stomach spread all along his body. Gordon felt like he was burning, and he was led on by pure want alone as he cupped the back of Benrey’s neck and closed the gap between their lips.

If Benrey had pushed him away, Gordon would have snapped out of his daze; but instead of ending it, Benrey pressed back and returned the kiss with as much want and heat that Gordon felt. Benrey’s hand shakily rose and hesitantly cupped the side of Gordon’s undamaged face.

Benrey’s lips were small but surprisingly soft. Gordon expected rough, chapped texture but they were well taken care of. They felt smooth, soft and so responsive. Every press and moan Gordon gave, Benrey would respond back with another.

Gordon felt a feel desire to press his tongue through, and chase down that bubble-gum taste again; but somehow that thought was taking it a step too far and brought him back to a – somewhat – reality.

Gordon pulled back, hearing a small whine leave Benrey’s throat as they disconnected.

“Woah…” Was the only word Gordon could form. Even that was a slurred mess.

“Sh-Shit…” Benrey mumbled. He looked like a nervous wreck, eyes flicking back a fourth. Sometimes they landed on Gordon and then his face would flush again and they’d flicker. “Aw, man I didn’t u-ugh… I-I didn’t mean to let it slip. It-it comes out, you know. Som-Sometimes I…Uh… I can’t control it.”

“What is pink?” Gordon asked. Despite Benrey’s nervous stutter of an explanation and Gordon slowly regaining his rational thought, neither of them through to move away. Gordon’s hand was still around Benrey’s neck, rubbing his thumb where his hair connected to his skin, and Benrey’s hands were still on Gordon. One on his shoulder and the other still holding his face.

“M-Magenta…”

“Magenta.” Gordon tried to think what rhymed with magenta. What emotion bubbled from such a colour. “Magenta… I want to kiss ya?”

Benrey slowly nodded.

Gordon licked his lips trying to remember the taste again. But even though the taste had faded, the warmth had not. His hand round the back of Benrey’s neck gave a soft squeeze. Benrey looked at Gordon with puppy eyes almost, hoping his unwanted Sweet Voice effect would be forgiven or…perhaps he was wanting more?

Did Gordon want more? He still hadn’t let go of Benrey’s neck, and even though the taste and daze of the Sweet Voice was long gone, he still felt such an urge to pull Benrey in again and continue where they left off. Was that the Sweet Voice talking though? Even when Gordon couldn’t taste the blueberry anymore, he still felt the calming effects. Was this the same?

Gordon decided in that moment he didn’t really care. He pulled Benrey back in, watching his eyes widen with surprise before flutter to a close as they kissed again. Gordon took it a step further, bringing his hand up to rid Benrey of his helmet and have his hair fall over his shoulders as Gordon ran his hands through the fluffy soft locks.

Benrey’s hands seemed unsure of where to sit. He caressed over Gordon’s cheek, squeezing against Gordon’s shoulders and his hands slipping lower down to his waist before raising up to Gordon’s face again. Honestly in the suit there wasn’t much of a closeness they could get, despite how much Gordon wanted to. He wanted to explore more of Benrey’s skin and actually feel him. He wanted to know how soft that hair was.

Perhaps because it was the only thing uncovered from the HEV suit, Benrey focused in on Gordon’s neck. His thumbs brushed under Gordon’s jaw and trailed down over his neck.

Benrey only pulled back when Gordon started to shudder a little, and with space between them the little murmurs he gave came out in giggles.

“S-Sorry.” Gordon hunched his shoulder’s slightly, rubbing off the tingling feeling. “Neck’s ticklish…”

“O-Oh. Sorry.”

“Don’t be! I liked it, it’s just…it’s been a while since I’ve done…uh since I’ve got close to someone.”

“Same…”

Gordon felt a prickle of curiosity, and a slight spout of jealousy. He shook off the feeling, despite how much it warmed him. Maybe it was the Sweet Voice’s lasting effects, but Gordon felt as giddy as a schoolboy, sneaking off to make out with his crush.

_Crush._

Gordon didn’t even realise he had a crush. He never thought it was possible. Not with Benrey. But he couldn’t deny that even when he was burning with rage he couldn’t stop worrying about Benrey. He couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was an odd charm about him that even with great betrayal between them, Gordon couldn’t help looking at him affectionately.

These feelings were certainly not simple, and what lay between them couldn’t just be forgiven without working through it. But Benrey at least wanted to work it out, if his begging for forgiveness could be trusted. Then…maybe Gordon could give it a shot.

But not here. Not with all this mess and confusion. Gordon’s first thought was survival.

Benrey had awkwardly shuffled himself back and sat down beside Gordon. His hands seemed to fidget with one another while he gave not to subtle looks over to Gordon. When he saw Gordon looking back, he quickly looked away. His cheeks were pink.

“I-uh… I gotta sleep…” Gordon mumbled. He didn’t want to think of the heat on his face. The calm of the Sweet Voice was still in him, keeping him relaxed and so very sleepy.

“Right. Yeah.” Benrey nodded quickly. “I um… I’ll keep watch. Just in case.”

Gordon nodded, and tried to lay back to a somewhat comfortable position despite his suit. If he wasn’t so sure it was the only thing keeping him alive right now, he’d tear it off and gladly brave the rest of Black Mesa in his tank top and shorts.

Gordon lay between the phases of awake and not when he felt a comfortable weight slowly press against him. And then suddenly Gordon felt warm and drifted to a calm sleep.

\---

When Gordon awoke, the calm of the ‘night’ before had completely left him. He got up slower, with the dull ache in his bones returning, and he was walking on shaky legs. He felt weak and lightheaded.

Benrey was quick to notice and offered some more of the healing Sweet Voice but Gordon just wanted to push on. Curing minor injuries wasn’t going to help him. They needed a Med Station, but luck wasn’t on their side.

Despite Gordon’s slowness the two made good progress, scouring through the level before they found a set of ladders up. Benrey was able to climb them with Gordon on his back. It was all going fine until Gordon felt himself slip off, just for a quick nap, and he was awoken to Benrey roughly grabbing onto his arm. Gordon dangled off the ladder like a loose ragdoll as Benrey pulled him up the rest of the way.

“YO! You nearly fucking died!! You almost fell! Y-You don’t got respawns bro!”

Benrey’s yelling actually felt good. It kept Gordon more awake. Even as he realised the danger he was just in he couldn’t find the energy to respond to it.

“I know…” He mumbled. “I know… I just… I can’t stay awake.”

“I got you. I-I can carry you.”

“No.” Gordon shook his head. “No. I have to stay awake. If I’m walking it will help.”

The two carried on as best as they could, only Benrey was now watching over Gordon every second. If Gordon faltered or hesitated Benrey was there to catch him. Gordon had to admit he liked the attention and care, but he couldn’t find the energy to be sweet. He was started to get really worried. As he feared there were no broken bones, but there must have been something wrong inside him.

Gordon fell again, but this time when Benrey caught him he couldn’t get back up. His legs felt like lead and a shot of pain ran through his nerves.

“You’re getting worse!” Benrey pleaded.

Gordon tried to mumble out a response but his words wouldn’t come. He knew, faintly, that he was leaning over Benrey’s shoulder, but his vision was starting to go black.

**“Now Gordon, you’ve really done it now! That’s a nasty injury you’ve got!”**

Gordon blinked despite the little it did for his vision. It was unmistakably Dr Coomer he heard, his voice booming in his head. Hope flared up in his chest for the first time in days.

“We found them…” Gordon mumbled. “The team.”

“What?”

Gordon didn’t pay attention to Benrey’s confusion. Dr Coomer spoke again. His voice echoing so clearly. **“I can point you in the right direction Gordon! For three play coins I can show you to the nearest Med Station!”**

Gordon felt himself laugh or attempt to. Nothing really came out as he fell more onto Benrey.

“Hey! Gordon!” Benrey’s voice grew more muffled. The darkness at the edges of Gordon’s vision were now growing and eventually overwhelming him. But help was so close.

“Dr Coomer’s here… He’ll help… He knows where the Med Station is… He’ll help…”

“No-one’s here!”

The words didn’t reach Gordon. He felt at peace for the first time in days as he slipped into a quick unconsciousness.

“No! Gordo! Stay-Stay awake!! GORDON!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truly sorry if the chapter jumps a little with events but I tried my best.
> 
> One more chapter to go~


	5. Hello Gordon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beast is finally finished.

Gordon never knew the feeling of floating could be uncomfortable, yet as he felt himself afloat in a sea of black darkness he was on edge. Instead of feeling weightless and dreamy, it was a slow burning anxiety within him. His hand gripped for purchase on anything. He tossed and turned to feel the press of something against him, but there was nothing around him.

The realisation soon dawned to Gordon that he wasn’t floating. He was drowning. He was sinking deeper into the blackness and all hope was leaving him.

There was nothing to focus on. Even the low voices Gordon could only slightly make out were too distant to really bring attention to.

_“What the fuck are you doing here with him!? Where the fuck did you go?!”_

_“Where did I-?! Where did YOU GO?! What-What happened to the fucking plan?! What happened to: ‘nothing would happen to him, they just want to ask questions’?!”_

_“I… It went…different…”_

_“DIFFERENT?!”_

If Gordon was aware, he might have been very interested to hear the conversations of the two voices. He thought he could, faintly, make out Benrey’s voice. But the other one was too gruff and similar it almost sounded like Benrey was arguing with himself.

_“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”_ The similar voice grumbled. _“You’re insane.”_

_“Shut the fuck!”_ Benrey snapped. _“Y-You literally owe me after the shit you pulled! I didn’t-I didn’t agree to a fucking snuff film!”_

_“Okay! Alright! What do you need?”_

_“Watch him. I gotta…shit-uh-I gotta find a Med Station. See how close one is. Don’t move him. Don’t even touch him!”_

_“Fine! Go! Just hurry up!”_

The voices quieted down again. Gordon almost wished for them back even though he couldn’t make out all their words. He wanted something to distract him from this place. But without the voices, and with his consciousness slipping further into the darkness, Gordon slipped off again.

\---

When Gordon was aware again, the darkness was gone. The suffocating blackness was replaced by a calming white. Instead of feeling nothing, there was a comforting coolness run through his veins and filling him with a calmness. Certainly not as good as Benrey’s calm voice but it was pleasant none the less.

More feelings slowly returned to him. He was aware of the HEV suit around him. He could feel the breeze of the air conditioning of Black Mesa brush along his cheek. Some of his hair got stuck in the suit, tickling his neck and annoying him and that was the kicker he needed to open his eyes.

His vision was flooded with fluorescent lighting, making him wince and squint his eyes. He tried to turn over and block out the lights, but he was stopped with a hand on his shoulder and pushed back.

“Now Gordon, you shouldn’t move with the Med Station working on you!”

“Dr Coomer?” Gordon mumbled. His vision was still hazy and his mind doubted himself. The last time he heard Dr Coomer he was passing out, and now that he had sense with him, he realised how impossible it could be to hear Dr Coomer’s voice at that time. He and Benrey were still miles underground.

Gordon blinked, forcing his vision to focus as he held his arm to cover from the lights.

“Mr Freeman, try not to move so much.” Tommy warned him. He sounded closer to him than Dr Coomer was.

“I can’t…see…” Gordon excused, and felt the scratchiness of his voice.

“I told you we should have put a table over him.” Bubby’s voice came in from the distance. He sounded like he was on the other side of the room. “Little whining bitch…” He added with a mumble; however it was still loud enough for Gordon to clearly hear him.

“Bubby, I believe what you really said was we should use the table as a coffin for him!” Dr Coomer reminded him.

“Same thing.”

Without the lights assaulting his eyes, Gordon’s vision slowly came back. The room was lab white but was a lot cleaner than the rooms below had been; more used. Gordan, tentatively, stretched his neck and tried to look around without moving too much. He was laying in the back of a lab room, right under a Med Station. Two tubes had been pulled from under it and attached to a small panel opened on the front of Gordon’s suit.

Gordon looked at the tubes puzzled. He’d never seen a Med Station work like this before. When he focused, he could see something travelling down the tubes and into the suit. Pulsating slightly with a low green glow. Worrying, but he realised as he moved his arms or head, he had no feeling of pain or sluggishness. Whatever those tubes were pumping into him, it was working wonders.

“You’re lucky we found you, Mr Freeman!” Tommy said. Gordon slowly looked around. Tommy was sitting by his legs, smiling down to him kindly. Dr Coomer was sitting by Gordon’s side, and Bubby was on the other end of the room standing at a doorway. He was looking up and down the hallway, holding one of the biggest guns Gordon had ever seen.

It was only a few seconds after Gordon noticed the gun that Bubby fired it down the hallway, making Gordon jump. “Take that, you damnable bitch!”

“You were in bad shape, Mr Freeman.” Tommy carried on like the shooting didn’t even happen. “You were all pale and wouldn’t wake up.”

“I had…a bit of a fall.” Gordon tried to slowly bring himself to sit up again. Dr Coomer watched him closely but never intervened this time.

“You were separated from us for quite a while, Gordon!” Dr Coomer added in enthusiastically. “I just want you to know that even though we lost you and Benrey for a whole two days, I never once thought you were dead!”

“Yeah…” Gordon mumbled. He doubted the truth of the statement given how quick Dr Coomer was to write off Bubby or Benrey as dead when they got separated for mere minutes; but he ignored that part for now. A more urgent matter came to mind.

“Benrey! Where’s Benrey?!”

“He’s right behind you, Gordon!”

Gordon whipped his head around too fast it made him dizzy, but the feeling past quickly. Benrey was, as said, sitting behind Gordon but not exactly right behind him. He was pressed more into the corner of the room and watching from a distance with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Benrey dragged you all the way here!” Dr Coomer said. “We found you just as he pulled you into this room!”

“He-He’s been by your side the entire time.” Tommy added. He was smiling widely as Gordon turned back around. “He wouldn’t leave, even when we offered to watch you-”

“Alright!” Benrey finally spoke to cut into Tommy’s words. “Enough…”

Gordon felt some warmth and relief through him. Even if Benrey didn’t show any hints of their shared affection, at least he still felt it in some sense.

“Well I hope you had fun on your little honeymoon but we’ve got to get a move on.” Bubby came over from his position at the door. Gordon was uneasy with him being so close with such a massive firearm. “I’m getting more sick of this place by the minute.”

“An excellent point, Bubby! We should get a move on!” Dr Coomer wholeheartedly agreed.

“Gordon still needs to heal.” Benrey spoke up.

Bubby seemed almost surprised at Benrey’s words. He looked over to the guard, blinking behind his glasses. “Well we have to gooooo.”

“If we go now he’ll just-uh…be fucking falling down again. Fucking useless as a baby and we gotta drag him back here to heal again.” Benrey excused. He gave a glance over to Gordon as he spoke. When he saw Gordon watching him again, his eyes quickly flicked back over to Bubby. “We lose more time that way.”

“Then you can stay with him here and make sure he heals, and we can get going!” Bubby pointed the gun to Benrey as he spoke, though it was thankfully the butt of the gun rather than the muzzle.

“An excellent idea, Bubby!” Dr Coomer agreed once again. “Let’s clear the way for Gordon and Benrey and let Gordon recover!”

“Mr Freeman, are you o-okay with that?”

Bubby and Dr Coomer were ready to head off when Tommy asked. He hadn’t moved from sitting beside Gordon, giving him an innocent look of worry.

“I’m fine with that.” Gordon said after slight hesitation. “Better I’m travelling at full health than lagging behind and slowing everyone down.”

Tommy smiled. He gave a look to Benrey behind Gordon, and whatever look Benrey gave back Gordon couldn’t turn around in time to see. Tommy just stood up afterwards, following Bubby out who was too eager to make his way down the hall. Dr Coomer was last to leave.

“Now Gordon, I’ll make a very clear line of explosives for you to follow us! That way you won’t get lost!”

He went out the door before Gordon could shout.

“NO! No more explosives! Dr Coomer!”

But it was too late when the first explosion went off. It shook the room, with beakers and a few vials shaking and falling on the floor but thankfully none of them broke over or near Gordon.

“Bad news, Gordon!” Dr Coomer yelled. “The explosive trail didn’t work! But good news, I’ve now left a trail of scorch marks for you to follow!” And before Gordon could reply, there was another, further, explosion that only mildly shook the room.

Gordon sighed, but it was the best they could do. Despite suddenly being thrown back into the chaos, Gordon felt a sense of giddiness within him. It felt good to finally be back together as a team. And, even if there were explosions going off and Bubby was holding firepower that could take down a helicopter in one shot, they were back on track.

Gordon looked over to Benrey, who was still watching him from the corner. Gordon felt a sudden longing. He wanted that closeness they once had, but he felt an awkwardness lay between them. Were things so different now that they weren’t alone? Did the feelings only matter when they were so far underground?

“Hey…” Gordon heard himself break the silence between them. Benrey seemed to snap into focus. He was always watching Gordon, but his eyes were unfocused and glazed. Now he was fully aware. “You… You alright?” Gordon shuffled himself to sit against the wall under the Med Station. “Come sit with me.”

Benrey hesitated at the offer, but eventually he slipped over, coming to sit beside Gordon. Gordon wanted to feel the warmth off him again, but he felt so cold.

“How you feeling?” Benrey asked.

“I’m fine.” Gordon heard his own voice mumble. “I would have been dead if it wasn’t for you.”

Benrey rolled his shoulders in a small shrug. “I can’t have you dying after we just kissed. That’d-uh…th-that’d be bad for my record.”

Gordon was somewhat relieved Benrey acknowledged their moments together. It eased off some of the anxiety at least as he asked his next question. “Why were you so far away?”

The question seemed to sit uncomfortably with Benrey. He shuffled slightly, looking off to the side. “Wasn’t…uh…wasn’t sure you’d like them to know our…thing?”

There was a flutter in Gordon’s stomach like butterflies. He didn’t know what to name this thing between them either, but the thought of it flickering out over something like muddled feelings put a fear in Gordon he couldn’t explain. He wanted whatever this was with Benrey to grow. He wanted time for it to grow.

But it couldn’t be here. During all this.

Gordon took hold of Benrey’s wrist. He had to reach over himself, Benrey was sitting on his right side, but he grabbed hold and seemed to shock Benrey into focus again. He quickly turned his head to Gordon, almost knocking off his helmet.

“After this – after everything here. We’ll talk okay?”

Gordon watched a flicker of excitement in Benrey’s eyes die down. “Yeah…okay.” He brushed off.

_He doesn’t believe me._

Gordon readjusted his hand to hold onto Benrey’s, gripping tightly and firmly. “We will. I promise.” He made his voice firmer. “After we get outta here, we’ll go somewhere nice and talk.” Gordon smiled. “Somewhere outside.”

The word pinged something in Benrey’s brain, bringing that excitement back up to his eyes. “Outside…” He repeated.

“Yeah. Outside. We’ll go someplace sunny, and we’ll have a talk about…everything.”

Benrey glanced down. His eyes lingered over the injury on Gordon’s arm, tracing the bandages around it. “You think…you could forgive Benrey?”

The thought of it didn’t make Gordon uncomfortable anymore, but there wasn’t an answer he could commit to. “I think I’m willing to try.”

The answer seemed to sit well with Benrey. His shoulders eased and a small smile came to his lips. Gordon had a sudden urge to kiss him again, and talks be damned they could pick up right where they left off. But a low beeping noise from the HEV suit suddenly distracted him.

The tubes connected to Gordon’s suit were no longer glowing, but they lay empty and after a moment to consider, Gordon pulled them out of the HEV suit’s panel.

“All healed?” Benrey asked as Gordon carefully pulled himself to stand up.

To say he felt better was a drastic understatement. It was like he was given a whole new body. He spent so long feeling miserable and in pain that he forgot what it was like to move without any discomfort.

“I feel great!” Gordon tried a few steps, walking with ease. He was slower than usual but that was just the stiffness of his legs. After a quick walk around the room it was like he’d never been injured. “Completely cured!”

Benrey had stood up during Gordon’s walk. He stepped up beside Gordon, giving him a quizzical look before he reached up to Gordon’s cheek. For a moment Gordon thought he meant to kiss again, or give him some sort of affection, but instead Benrey gripped onto the bandage over Gordon’s cheek and tore it off. The skin pulled under the tape, but Benrey was quick so it wasn’t painful.

“All healed.” Benrey nodded to confirm. He slowly smiled again. “Not even a scar to mess-uh…to-to ruin that pretty face.”

Gordon face his face heat, while Benrey walked past him to the door. “Actually maybe a scar would do you good. Give you a badass rebel look.”

“Hey! I look badass enough without scars!”

“Oh yeah! The rat-tail you got going is really badass.” Benrey laughed as Gordon followed. “You gonna-uh-wh-whip those aliens with that tail, huh?”

Gordon shoved Benrey, who responded with his manic laughter and running on ahead. Gordon followed after, also mindfully following the scorch marks that were burned along the wall.

They were far from being out of the woods yet, but Gordon felt an extra push onwards knowing that when they got out, they could – finally – talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Except I have lied to you all. My dumbass brain thought of one more chapter.


	6. Goodbye Gordon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it ends~

Gordon didn’t have an exact clear picture of how the end of this catastrophe at Black Mesa would go. Maybe he and the Science Team would have to answer a bunch of difficult questions. There was the slight matter of – possibly – wiping out the US military and perhaps they would have to answer for it. People at the head of Black Mesa would also probably want to know exactly what happened and what the state of the building was. Maybe (and Gordon knew this was very much a hopeless wish), at the end of it all it would be a simple walk out of the building, never looking back and getting on with his life.

All of the wondering couldn’t prepare Gordon for what actually happened. He did not expect to be fitted with a new “hand” so to speak. The barrel of a minigun lay now at the end of his right arm and Gordon was still getting used to not having it shoot off randomly. He knew, though hoped it wasn’t to be true, he’d have a run-in with G-Man again who wanted to reexplain the importance of his task. It was certainly a surprise to be travelling to Xen to kill whatever it was keeping the portal between them and Earth open.

Gordon wasn’t confident with the task but it helped knowing he wasn’t alone with it. The Science Team were with him every step. Just, minus Benrey.

It didn’t take long for Benrey to fall back into being a little shit. He pestered Gordon just as much, if not more so, than before but now when Gordon told him off or yelled at him, Benrey would make kissy faces which never failed to fluster him and he’d turn away at Benrey’s laughter. Whenever Gordon had worried this affection between them might be dwindling, Benrey was always quick by Gordon’s side, giving him a quick peck on the cheek, or purring in his lap. A little reassurance Benrey was still keen, and Gordon was thankful for it.

The closer they got to their mission, however, Benrey withdrew. He’d no longer steal little affectionate moments with Gordon and his bothering had become less. Instead of running off to danger, he was hanging back and dragging his feet. Instead of making his comments, he was quiet, and his eyes were darting around the room as though any moment something would jump out at them.

“You okay, man?” Gordon found a “quiet” moment to ask Benrey. The rest of the team had taken to exploring every inch of the new room they were in.

The reactor lay in the middle of the room. It had metal walkways to climb up to reach to the top. A scientist (who looked suspiciously like Dr Coomer but Gordon refused to think it was another clone) stood at a control panel in the next room, separated by a glass panel.

While the others were running around the room madly, seemingly in a weird game of chase, Benrey hung back as close to the door as possible. Gordon had expected him to be running around with the others.

“Huh?” Benrey snapped out of whatever train of thought he went down. He looked up at Gordon, blinking as though he was just suddenly aware of where he was. “Wha? Yeah. Fine.”

Gordon frowned. “You don’t sound fine.”

“No, I am. Totally. Hey! Listen!” Benrey pushed himself closer into Gordon. His voice hushed. “Let’s go?”

Now Gordon was the one blinking. “What? That’s what we’re doing. We’re going—"

“Nah! Not here. I mean go!” Benrey nudged his head towards the door. It took Gordon a moment to catch onto what he meant.

“You mean…just leave?” Gordon asked.

“Yes!” Benrey said with sudden enthusiasm. “We can just go, yes? Go please? We can just leave! Benrey knows a way out. O-Or we can go back outside-to the outside place. And we’ll just jack a copter and fly out.”

“None of us can fly it.” Gordon half laughed because he was sure Benrey had to be kidding. But the hurt on Benrey’s face at Gordon’s response told him that he wasn’t. “Benrey. Is something wrong?”

“We should sleep, before this…” Benrey mumbled. His eyes cast down now, refusing to look up at Gordon. “Get good rest…the other room was better.”

Benrey had went to this excuse before and Gordon knew something had to be off. Benrey hated to sleep. “We can’t just leave this.”

“Yes we can.” Benrey looked up hopeful again. “I’ll find us a way—"

“No, Benrey, stop.” Gordon cut him off. “We can’t leave. That fixes nothing. This wasn’t just a one-time thing. If we just leave, then more of those things are coming through, and it’s a problem for the next people. God forbid if they happen to escape!”

“But it’s not your problem…” Said Benrey, in a small voice.

Gordon wished that was true. He wished he could have left, and not had to think about any of this anymore. To go home and put this whole thing behind him was literally his dream at that moment. But he couldn’t. The images of the dead scientists and security guards wouldn’t leave him. The thought of those creatures getting out into the world and causing havoc on innocent people plagued him. The thought of Joshua having to experience any of this turned his stomach.

“That doesn’t mean I can just walk away.” Gordon slowly shook his head. “It isn’t right…”

Benrey frowned. He had such a pained expression almost reminiscent of a kicked puppy.

“Listen, man, if this is too much for you, I won’t ask you to come with us.” Gordon offered Benrey an out. But as quickly as he had, Benrey shook his head, jostling his helmet again.

“No! No. I’m with…you.”

Gordon was glad, though he wouldn’t express it. He’d respect whatever Benrey chose.

There was a clanging noise behind Gordon and he worried for a moment they had turned the reactor on; but no it was just Dr Coomer, clanging his gun against one of the metal grates. When Gordon turned back, Benrey had pushed himself up and pressed his lips against Gordon’s.

It was a clumsy kiss, but a quick one. It ended before Gordon could even realise what was happening.

“That’s…” Gordon struggled to find his words. Even with a tiny kiss he was breathless and wanting more.

“It was real.” Benrey mumbled. “Our kiss…it was real.”

“Wha… Oh! You-You mean the feelings? Yeah. Of course.” Gordon tried to keep his voice steady to reassure Benrey, but Benrey seemed lost. Mumbling words to himself that Gordon couldn’t make out.

“Gordon! I don’t mean to rush you, but my suspicious looking possible clone looks like he’s ready to begin!” Dr Coomer’s voice boomed over the room.

Gordon pulled back, turning to look at the scientist up above who did indeed look like he was waiting impatiently. Benrey had stepped back as well and Gordon felt the space between them like a hollow hole in his heart. If he had a choice, he’d want that talk with Benrey now, but they just had one more thing to do and it would all be over. Then everything would be fine.

\---

Gordon could barely hear anything over the sounds of Xen. The place just had an ambience of white noise, almost like wind through a wind tunnel, but Gordon swore he could hear unintelligible whispers. The skeletons floating around were still emitting a low hum, as very faint trails of the Sweet Voice came from between their white teeth, but they were harmless and wandering aimlessly. The massive green energy surge above them was nearly the worst noise. It was crackling with electricity and making an awful droning sound the longer it stayed.

But none of those compared howls of pain Benrey was making, as he writhed in the middle of the red fleshed crater.

His body was in the stages of morphing once again. He kept his giant height, but his body had been stretched, neck elongated and his head twisted. His hands seem to shudder between claw-like appendages and then hands that were too small for his giant body.

The Benrey that had come through to Xen with them was not the Benrey Gordon knew. This wasn’t the man who dragged Gordon through the depths Black Mesa. This wasn’t the Benrey who begged for Gordon’s forgiveness, or healed his wounds, or kissed him as they both leaned on one another for survival. Benrey arrived different and not just with his sudden growth into a giant. He was more feral, deranged. A chilling excitement entered his voice, like he was always on the edge of just breaking out to a scream. (A scream that eventually came out as he was phased through a wall and looking at Gordon with wild yellow eyes: “Yo! You wanna DIE!!!”)

Fighting Benrey had been harder for Gordon emotionally than physically. It was easy enough to destroy the passports Benrey seemed to hold so dear, and with each book, ripped through with bullets, he grew weaker. Somewhere – after they had destroyed Bubby’s passport probably – Gordon accepted that the Benrey he grew to have feelings for was gone or was a fake all along. Anger and a broken heart spurred on his bullets, despite Benrey’s shouts of protests and whines of telling them to stop.

Now it was soon to be over. Benrey lay, exhausted and writhing on the floor. The energy above crackled and blinked its green lights furiously, as though responding to Benrey’s demise.

Just over the droning of the energy and humming of the skeletons, Gordon could hear Dr Coomer’s much deeper voice.

 **“It will be over in one more shot, Gordon!”** His voice boomed over the noise. Gordon tried looking back to see if he could spot anyone through the chaos. The skeletons seemed intent on covering the place with their Sweet Voice, which took longer to disappear than Benrey’s had. The crackling ball of light and noise above was shooting lightning strikes all over the ground and up the walls. No damage done, but it did blind the room with flashing lights. Gordon couldn’t see where anyone was. He thought he saw a glimpse of Tommy and Bubby somewhere far back, but when he looked again, he lost them.

**“One more shot and we can go home! Gordon!”**

One more shot, and it would end. One more shot and the howls of Benrey would be silenced, and they would be home. Home without Benrey.

Benrey’s writhing had stopped, though it seemed more to lack of energy than the pain subsiding. He was still panting for breath as he lay face down into the unknown liquid pooling at their feet. Gordon could see the bubbles forming out the side of Benrey’s mouth.

The energy ball above crackled and sparks flew out as though it was struggling to hold together. Gordon remembered seeing a similar flash of light when Benrey first appeared in Xen and wondered if it was somehow related to Benrey’s state.

“WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP AND SHOOT ALREADY?!” Bubby’s voice howled above the noise.

Gordon wished he could shout something back, but he was emotionally exhausted and didn’t think he could raise his voice above the noise. He stepped forward, coming closer to Benrey’s heaving body. The gun on his arm felt heavier than it had ever been, but as he raised it up he noticed the bubbles by Benrey’s face again. They weren’t popping in a regular pattern, like he was breathing. They were irregular and followed by a muffled humming.

Gordon forgot his task for a moment, though the screams of Bubby certainly didn’t, and instead he stepped closer to Benrey’s face; worry for his safety gone.

Benrey made a mumbling noise again.

“What?” Gordon asked but he wasn’t even sure if Benrey could hear him.

_“…ill me… K…e…”_

“Benrey? Are you—”

 _“Kill me!”_ Benrey’s voice was as clear. It didn’t boom louder than the noise around them, but Gordon could hear it so perfectly as Benrey raised his enormous head.

 _“Kill me!”_ He pleaded again. _“Please! It’s too much! I-I can’t keep this up! I ca-can’t be here anymore! It’s tearing me apart! I can’t! I CAN’T!”_

The desperation in his voice made Gordon’s heart break, but the state of Benrey’s body sent a cold fear through his veins.

Benrey’s helmet was jostled slightly as half of his face was trying to form into something else. The pale skin ended so abruptly half-way across his face. Just after his nose, the skin turned to an oily black. It was stretching away from Benrey’s face, like tugging off his skin, trying to break off. Gordon remembered when Benrey had his panic attack, and black flecks came off his face and faded. Now the blackness was melting off, falling into the thick liquid below, and melding with it.

It seemed as soon as Gordon noticed the black tarlike skin dripping off Benrey, he noticed the other details to. The bullet holes that ripped along his arm were starting to glow a pale green. His hands were twisting into claws again, as they had done in the cramped tunnel. Benrey’s body had grown and morphed during the battle, but at least it kept somewhat human.

Gordon felt a lump in his throat, slowly slipping down to weight in his chest. “Benrey…” He spoke, aware his own voice was small and wobbly and Benrey probably couldn’t hear him.

 _“DO IT!”_ Benrey hissed. The dark oily tar was spreading over his lips now and pulling them up into twisted fangs. _“Kill me!”_ His words slurred and drawn out from his desperation. _“Kill me before it makes me kill you!!!”_

The weight in Gordon’s chest dissolved, replaced instead with an anger and spiteful determination. This wasn’t how this was going to end. “No!” Gordon held himself shout. “No! I won’t!”

 _“Wha…”_ Benrey’s blinking of surprise would have been cute, if it had not opened up five more eyes within the dark side of his face. His mouth agape with the black tar leaking out between his teeth, which were twisting into fangs. _“You…!”_

“I won’t do it!” Gordon stepped in closer to Benrey, this time climbing over one his morphing-into-claw hands so he was closer to Benrey’s oversized head. He heard a yell from behind him. Dr Coomer or Bubby asking what he was doing but Gordon wasn’t listening to them.

Even Benrey was shocked. His eyes – all ten of them now – rounded with surprise and his mouth opened and some word slurred out but it was mess of fangs and black ink that Gordon couldn’t understand it.

A cold shiver of fear ran up Gordon’s spine. With little effort, or movement, Benrey could have snapped it jaws around Gordon’s waist and he’d be torn in half. Gordon could have just about fit in Benrey’s maw, and if he snapped again to that excited frenzied state, there wasn’t much Gordon could do to defend himself.

But Gordon didn’t think of that. His fear melted away when he saw the sorrow in Benrey’s eyes.

“I’m not leaving you!” Gordon said.

 _“I’ll kill you!”_ Benrey screamed more as a warning than a threat.

“No you won’t!” Gordon said without doubt. “And I’m not killing you, man. I can’t! I still have to take you outside. I promised you.”

Gordon could see the word ring in Benrey’s head. Suddenly his eyes cleared and focused. _“Out…side…”_

The fangs had stopped growing. Gordon was ecstatic to see some of them had started to fade. The oily form of his face had stopped dripping and forming so much, but Gordon had started to notice it leaking from the back of Benrey’s helmet and slowly slipping down his back. Gordon for a while thought it was his wild hair but looking closer now, he could see it was more like liquid, falling down his back like slime.

“Yeah, outside.” Gordon’s voice went soft. He’d given up trying to guess if Benrey could hear him or not. It seemed he always could. “I promised you and I intend to keep it. We’re gonna go out, to a park, and we’re gonna talk. And we can go anywhere else you want.”

The hands that had twisted to claws were relaxing. The tar stretching out from Benrey’s face had stopped it’s dripping, and the pale skin was slowly coming back. Gordon was relieved when the extra eyes started fading.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED MIND!!!” Bubby’s voice boomed. Gordon turned around to see Bubby and Tommy were not too far away. Dr Coomer was around the edges of the crater, either trying to fight the skeletons still, or making sure they weren’t coming back for another attack.

“He’s coming with us!” Gordon shouted back.

The lightning strikes cut out any sort of protest any of the team had. The orb above became more erratic and unpredictable, flashing and blinding Gordon for seconds too long.

“Mr Freeman, do you think that’s a good idea?” Tommy asked. His voice was full of uncertainty, but he had to shout still to be heard. Gordon looked back, somewhat relieved to see that Tommy, Bubby and Dr Coomer were now together. Still a distance away and given how the lightning was unpredictable, Gordon was glad for it. Sunkist was close to Tommy’s side, walking around his legs and looking back and forth between the Science Team and the skeletons still wandering the area. They were not attacking, not even spitting out the Sweet Voice. They seemed just as lost.

“Yes!” Gordon didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he was growing more on edge the longer he was here. An ominous wind had started to stir, but it wasn’t cold or giving off a gentle breeze. It felt warm, like it was carrying fire. “He needs to come with us!”

 **“Gordon, I don’t mean to call you scatter-brained, but I must remind you that Benrey has just attempted to kill you and the Science Team numerous times now.”** Dr Coomer said.

“It’s this place! It’s making him crazy. We need to get him out of here!”

“And how exactly do you plan to do that, hmm!? You gonna save this betrayer?!” Bubby sounded irritated now, which was rich coming from a man who threw himself into the plan to jump Gordon just because he didn’t like him. “For all we know, he’s the one who’s been keeping this portal opened!”

“Then he’ll fix it, and we’ll close it when we get out!”

Gordon had looked to Benrey now, who was shrinking down to a more manageable size. He was lankier and more stretched instead of a giant. His face was setting back into something human while the black slime on his back had settled back to regular hair.

He attempted to push himself up but fell back into the liquid below. When he tried again, Gordon helped support him up.

“How do we get out? I-Its-This place doesn’t have an exit!” Tommy worried.

“We’ll find something!” Gordon could hear his own voice growing desperate. Benrey was, near enough, turning back to normal and sprawling his arms over Gordon’s shoulders in an effort for support. Gordon wasn’t even sure if he was conscious anymore. “We’ll get a way out!! If I have to tear this place apart, I’ll—"

**“Gordon, watch out!”**

Gordon heard the crackle in the air before the lightning struck. It was close, closer than any of the others had been. It crashed in front of Gordon, knocking him back to the watery unknown below. His full concern was on Benrey, making sure he didn’t fall from his arms or smack his head off anything. He’d only fallen, slightly, from Gordon’s shoulders but he was still in Gordon’s arms, now laying across his lap.

There was another shout, from who Gordon couldn’t know, but he looked up just in time to see the lightning crackle, and then head straight down for Gordon and Benrey, like it was specifically seeking them out.

Gordon just had enough thought to shield Benrey from the blast. And then everything went quiet.

Before Gordon moved, he had convinced himself he was dead. All of the sounds of Xen had suddenly stopped. The burning air was gone, replaced with not even a cold wind or gentle breeze. For a while he could also feel nothing. No ground below him or anything to brush on his skin – which truly cemented the idea he was dead – but slowly feeling started to come back.

He felt his legs, folded under him, onto something firm and solid. There was a weight in his lap and something tickling his nose every time he breathed.

Gordon slowly opened his eyes, fearing the worst, but what he saw was Benrey’s hopefully unconscious face before him. Gordon was hunched over as Benrey lay his head and upper body on his lap. He had returned to his normal human form. His helmet had fallen off and his wild hair was out, brushing against Gordon’s face.

Gordon only breathed again when he saw Benrey’s chest rise and fall, very slowly, indicating he was still alive.

He pulled back, careful to not disrupt Benrey, and tried to see where he was. The first thing that came to Gordon’s mind was a prison. It was some sort of small metal container at first glance but when Gordon blinked and looked around, he noticed a couple of chairs and a clear sliding door at the front. Something like a transit car. He felt nothing to indicate they were moving, yet as Gordon looked out the windows, there were white lights streaming by as though they were moving through the stars in space.

“It’s…gotta be a dream.” Gordon mumbled with disbelief. “I’m unconscious, or maybe I’m dying, and my mind has put me here.”

“No, Dr Freeman. Nothing so simple as that.”

The voice came before there was an uncomfortable thud in Gordon’s ears and the room seemed to twist for a moment like it was being sucked through a tube. When the pressure finally returned to normal, Gordon looked up and saw a tall, smartly dressed man standing at the front of the metal car. His arms folded neatly behind him as he looked to Gordon with his glassy, distant eyes. G-Man had appeared.

His rectangular face held no emotion and his small eyes flickered between addressing Gordon and glaring down to Benrey. They seemed to decidedly look to Gordon and gave a small smile.

“Well, Dr Freeman, despite your attempts the mission proved to be a success.” G-Man started talking with his slow, dragging voice. “Even though you chose to let the…security guard live, we have managed to close the portal between our worlds.”

Gordon was trying to gauge the G-Man’s tone. He didn’t sound angry but it wasn’t exactly praise he was getting. “So Benrey was keeping the portal open…”

“Yes. A…bad habit of his that he should have been dealt with a long time ago. But…well better late than ever.”

He glanced down at Benrey with a look of contempt once more. Not full on hatred, but there was a burning behind G-Man’s eyes that threatened to spill out. It vanished as soon as he looked back up to Gordon, however. “Now, Dr Freeman, if you’ll leave Benrey here I can deal with him accordingly. And you. Well I think you are entitled to a well-earned break.”

The door to the carriage buzzed to life and slid open. Gordon panicked they really were flying in space but felt foolish when nothing happened. The stars still sped by and there was no disturbance to the carriage. From the open doorway a green portal burst into view.

“Where does that go?” Gordon felt himself asking before he could stop it.

“A party.” G-Man smiled. Or tried to smile. It was like he a façade of a smile, copying the expression but no emotion behind it. “Tommy’s having a birthday party and he will be absolutely delighted to see you there.”

Gordon wasn’t sure if he believed it. It seemed like such an easy pay off for an impossible task but it wouldn’t be too farfetched to believe. But something G-Man mentioned rooted Gordon’s body to the carriage floor and wouldn’t let him let go of Benrey.

“What will happen to Benrey?”

G-Man seemed to be expecting the question. A flash of something dark past over his eyes before he spoke again. “He is no longer your concern, Dr Freeman.”

Gordon’s hold was tighter on Benrey’s shoulder, bringing him further into Gordon’s lap. “No.”

G-Man let out a tight sigh. “Now, Dr Freeman, you are—"

“You knew he was the cause but didn’t tell me.” Gordon felt fire burning in the pit of his stomach. Anger at being left in the dark. “You knew it was Benrey but throughout all of it, you never said.”

“And when should I have, Gordon? When he was interrupting our conversation and standing right there, or just after you kissed him?”

Gordon’s face burned, but it was a hot flush of embarrassment instead of anger.

“I knew if I told you, Dr Freeman, you would have fought against the truth. Maybe even refused to do it. Best of you to see his true nature and have you act from there.”

Gordon spoke from a protective need bursting through his chest. “He wasn’t…that wasn’t his nature! It was that place. It was making him crazy.”

“And you’re an expert on that are you.” G-Man raised his eyebrow, his voice just holding back chuckle as though to mock him. “So if it was making him so crazy, then perhaps he should have severed the connection he had to it years ago, instead of keeping himself in both worlds.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment before he spoke. He had to keep his rage in check or he’d blow up and god only knows what G-Man could do. He’d already proven enough that Gordon did not want to mess with his powers.

“I saw the labs.” Gordon spoke calmly as he could. G-Man actually had the gall to blink like he didn’t know what he was talking about. “We all did. Those aliens locked up in the cages. Been there for a while.” Now G-Man looked mad. “You’ve known the portal’s been open for much longer but you didn’t close it before.”

“Yes.” G-Man looked put off for just a moment, but he collected himself again. “Yes. It had been. My employers had…known about Benrey’s connection and thought it best to study it despite my protests. I urged Benrey to think for once but again, I was brushed off. He didn’t listen to me the first time, I doubt he’d listen to me the second…or fiftieth.”

A cold wave of realisation crashed over Gordon, sobering him up and the anger faded for just a moment.

He could hear Benrey’s voice in the back of his head, mumbling to him just before he fell asleep. One of us can stop time.

Gordon looked up at G-Man, who seemed to read the expression on Gordon’s face.

“You… You came with him. The three…”

“If you mean to lump me in with him, Dr Freeman, I advise you to keep those words to yourself.” G-Man said coolly, while his lip turned up and gave an almost snarling look to Benrey.

Gordon felt the anger return. “But you did! You came here with him! You crawled out of Xen with him and you just cast him aside!”

“He made the choice not to cut off of the link between him and Xen!” G-Man’s voice suddenly lost its smooth edge. He was snapping and face twisted with rage as he took a step forward. Gordon actually felt fear. “Him and Forzen! I warned both of them to break off like I did, but no! Too attached to their home, that we had to fight tooth and nail to get out of! To break free and actually become something!”

The metal container seemed to shake with G-Man’s fury and Gordon pulled Benrey closer into himself. It was a piss-poor attempt at protecting him. If G-Man wanted this conversation would be over, and Benrey could have been left to the wastes of Xen.

…but he wasn’t. So something in G-Man didn’t want that.

“He made his choice, Dr Freeman.” G-Man’s voice regained its composure as he stood back and straightened his tie. “He is tied to that place. Connected, shall we say.”

“Well he changed his mind.” Gordon said, defiantly. “He doesn’t want that anymore. He wants to…disconnect. Put it behind him.” He struggled for a word to use. Something to convince G-Man that Benrey…that his own brother was worth the second chance.

G-Man looked down to Benrey, laying limply within Gordon’s arms and something in his expression softened. His eyes lost their glaring wrinkles and Gordon swore, for a moment, he saw G-Man’s lips tug downward as though fighting off some frown.

“I told him to cut ties with that place. Both of them. I begged Benrey and Forzen to leave that place behind them as I did; but they didn’t listen. At least Forzen felt a calling to something. He wandered, adventuring, till he took up the job to serve a country he knew or cared nothing for. He just liked the structure and order, I think. Of course he still has his connection, but at least he had something to distract him.”

“Benrey…” G-Man’s face twisted to rage again. The soft thoughts had seemed to leave all at once. “Benrey did nothing! He’s never fully here because half his mind is still on Xen! I tried to help him. I got him a job with Black Mesa. If he wanted to float around and do nothing, then at least he could be of use! But there was an accident, and they sent him here. Specifically to this facility where they’d been trying for months to open a portal and their prayers were answered as soon as he walked through the door. Xen responded immediately to Benrey’s call. The scientists connected two and two and encouraged him to keep contact with it and keep the portal open despite my advice.”

Gordon said nothing. For as long as G-Man kept talking, and working through whatever emotions he had for Benrey, then there was a chance to convince him to help Benrey again. To give him another chance.

“I found purpose on Earth.” He carried on, his voice near a whisper now. “I was amazed by your lives. I found Tommy, who needed me and was given a new purpose. But Benrey…he threw that away.”

“Well now he’s found a purpose.” Gordon was quiet and careful with his words.

G-Man seemed to snap out of a trance, like he had completely forgotten Gordon was there. He focused again on him. “Really?” He said with disbelief. “You?”

“No.” Gordon was quick to respond, though his heart fluttered to the thought. “He wants to go outside.”

G-Man blinked. “Outside?”

“Yes.” Gordon sighed. “Just outside, that’s all he wants. He just wants to go outside of Black Mesa. And I promised I’d give it to him.” He glanced down to Benrey again.

The silence was only broken by the crackle of the portal still open on Gordon’s right. He didn’t dare take his eyes away from G-Man though; feeling like, somehow, if he did, he would lose this game of will.

It could have been ten seconds, or ten minutes that past, but finally, G-Man blinked and regained his apathetic composure again. He stood up straight and the portal quickly dissolved.

“I can’t give you a lot of time, Dr Freeman.” He said. “Benrey’s body is…well you know the damage you and your ‘Science Team’ did to him. He can’t hold on for much longer until he has to heal. But for as now, I can give you two…a moment.”

The metal car began to dissolve. Starting from the roof, the metal started to melt away and darkness overfell them.

“If what you say is true, Dr Freeman, then Benrey should be open to severing the connection. But if not.”

The darkness had overtaken most of the carriage. The only thing Gordon could see was G-Man before him, staring at him with unconvinced eyes. “Then I’ll deal with it mysef.”

Gordon was frantically looking around, half in fear of whatever punishment G-Man might decide to spring on them, but before he had a chance to ask, or look to him again, the darkness enveloped both Gordon and Benrey.

When Gordon opened his eyes again, he was blinded by the light. But this wasn’t the harsh green lights of Xen, or the fluorescent flood of Black Mesa’s. This was a softer light. A warm golden glow came from the horizon. A gentle breeze blew through the air, feeling naturally cool than the AC inside of the Black Mesa facility.

Gordon let his eyes adjust to the light and stared in absolute wonder.

They were no longer inside the metal transit. Now they were sat in the middle of a wide, open field. The grass was littered with tall grass stalks, their fluffy heads swaying in the wind and brushing against Gordon and Benrey as they sat in the middle of the field.

Gordon wished he could have felt the breeze and grass against his skin.

Gordon tried to take in any more details. The horizon all around them was clear and before he could look anymore, Benrey stirred below him.

He groaned in Gordon’s lap, shifting himself slightly to fall on his back. His eyes opened slowly, blinking as the light poured in. Gordon watched his eyes focus in, taking in the sight above before he seemed to realise Gordon was there. His eyes rounded with shock.

“I’m dead.”

“What?! No!”

“I’m dead. I’m in heaven and dead.” Despite the dire words, Benrey was surprisingly calm. It was almost comical.

“No!” Gordon chuckled to ease off his nerves. He had been unknowingly worried Benrey in his arms was damaged beyond saving, but seeing him wake had put a giddiness through him. “No, we’re not dead! We’re alive!”

“Alive…” Benrey repeated the word slowly as though he couldn’t understand it. He took his eyes off Gordon to look at the sky, and then around to the field surrounding them. He readjusted himself on Gordon’s lap to lay more comfortably. “So this is real?”

“Yeah. Well…” Gordon considered his options. “I guess… I spoke with G-Man.” He noticed Benrey tense up. “And he gave us time to talk. I told him you just wanted to go outside. Said you wanted to break away from Xen. He gave us a chance… I think…”

Benrey’s eyes flickered around, suddenly taking in the details of the field around them. He didn’t seem to be listening. He was transfixed on one of the grass stalks close by his face. He watched it sway back and forth, his eyes following it like he was locked in a trance before he brought his hand up and had his fingers brush along the soft top. His eyes widened with a tiny gasp.

“Outside…” He whispered.

“You like it?”

Benrey nodded, slowly and wordlessly. Transfixed on the feeling of the grass before him. Gordon felt a sudden rush of affection and a deep need to spoil the man on his lap.

If Benrey was so amazed by the feeling of grass between his fingers how would he respond to so many other things? Has he ever seen rain? Or snow? Has he felt a cool breeze on his skin after a hot day? Has he ever seen a flower?!

Gordon suddenly wished they were in a garden, or some type of flower field to show Benrey some of the colours when Benrey pulled himself to sit up.

“Y-You good?” Gordon flustered.

Benrey slowly nodded again. With a softness so unlike himself, Benrey set himself up to sit beside Gordon, as he looked to his hands. “I… I don’t think I’m here…”

“I mean, yeah it’s like a projection or maybe some pocket dimension or…”

“No… **I’m** not here. Not really.” Benrey flexed his hand, as though testing it.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I don’t have a body right now. I can feel it healing…sleeping. So I think we’re not really here.” He turned to Gordon; his eyes weirdly soft but focused. “I’m... I need to heal. And I can’t be anywhere while that’s happening.”

An unsettling feeling slowly squirmed in Gordon’s stomach. “You mean like before? When you died in the base and you were the skeletons?”

Benrey slowly shook his head. “No. Different. I don’t even have that.”

Gordon felt a twinge of disappointment. He had hoped the fight with Benrey would be a quick heal or patch up despite how unlikely that was. Gordon didn’t want to think about the damage he had done to him. “Alright… How long?”

“Weeks…months. Uh…may-maybe year. I don’t got that all-inclusive access now.” Benrey half laughed. He still kept looking to his hands every so often, like he was expecting them to disappear.

Gordon’s heart sank, but a little bubble of hope swelling up in him. Without directly saying or confirming it, Benrey had let it slip he had cut ties to Xen. “Guess it’s uncertainty for both of us.”

“Yeah…”

They sat in a moment of awkward silence. Gordon had thousands of words rush to his head. So many things he wanted to say, but he swallowed them back with a hopeful thought. It wasn’t like he was never going to be able to say them. It would just take a bit longer.

“You uh…don’t gotta wait.” Benrey mumbled. His eyes were cast off, not looking to Gordon. “If you don’t feel the same when I’m…together. If you-uh-wanna leave it at this, I understand. You probably got a busy life now. Being like a hero, an’ shit.”

Gordon blinked. “What? No, I don’t want… no. I can wait.”

“You don’t gotta. Not like you owe me. I think we sort of…uhh, we saved each other’s lives.”

Gordon took Benrey’s hand, pulled him close and brining Benrey’s eyes up to meet his. “I want to.”

The flush came upon Benrey’s cheeks as the flutter rose in Gordon’s chest. Gordon tossed aside his concern of being too bold. He survived a battle with an alien God and came out of hell. He had a right to feel a little brave.

Benrey moved forward, just slightly. He stopped himself with just a breath of space between his and Gordon’s lips and looked up, as though asking for permission. Gordon closed the gap between them.

Real or not, Benrey’s kiss felt as warm and soft as it ever was. His chapped lips grazed to Gordon’s and he could taste the bubble-gum once again.

They pulled back as the world was once again fading from existence. The sky broke apart in tiny flakes, revealing a vast emptiness behind it. It broke down to the horizon, where the grass started to fade away as well.

“I’ll wait.” Gordon promised. If Benrey had to sleep for a year, or even longer, Gordon wanted him to rest peacefully, with nothing to worry about.

“I know.” Benrey pressed another kiss to the corner of Gordon’s lips, and as the last of the grass dissolved from sight, the two fell into a calm emptiness.

\---

The Black Mesa Incident was handled far more calmly and quietly than Gordon would have thought. It seemed that the Science Team really did wipe out the entire United States Military or someone high up had swept a lot of deaths under the rug because as Gordon and the rest were finally free of Black Mesa, the only official business they had to attend to was a very well-done birthday party in honour of Tommy.

There was little to no news of the incident and even so, it was only reported as an “experimental accident”. Gordon had noticed that no-where seemed to be listing any causalities, and the families of the lost scientists and military must have been given a lot of hush money; just as Gordon and the team had been.

Gordon technically wasn’t unemployed, but since finally making it back to the surface he was given an unspecified amount of time off with full pay. While Gordon tried to decide whether he could even face going back and working for that place again, he spent the time with his son, and making much better memories there.

The Science Team still tried to keep in contact. They would meet up, every couple months for dinner or drinks but between those times they still tried to keep in touch. Tommy phoned every week to check in and catch up with Gordon. He sometimes gave updates about what was happening to Black Mesa, but he soon stopped and Gordon didn’t want to ask for them. He had a feeling G-Man wasn’t too happy to have that information getting out. Dr Coomer was usually only every other week, or sometimes it would be a whole month with no contact. He checked in on Gordon’s well-being as well as giving him any updates but nothing too personal. The only possible new development Gordon could take away from the calls was that Bubby (who never tried or seemed to want to contact Gordon again) was now living with Coomer, as he would shout in the background for Coomer’s attention.

As grateful as Gordon was for the team trying to stick together, he couldn’t help longing for another’s company instead.

It had been four months since the Black Mesa incident. Four months since Benrey had vanished. Gordon kept his hopes high even as the doubt started to set in. He wasn’t anxious for waiting, but he was not looking forward to the feeling of longing for a full year.

Between the updates with Tommy, Gordon tried to gauge if the G-Man had let slip about how Benrey was, or even where he was, but either Tommy was kept in the dark, or even G-Man didn’t know. The only concern G-Man really had was that Forzen had gone missing sometime between their last encounter and now. Seems when he disappeared, he really did just vanish.

That didn’t concern Gordon. Gordon tried not to think about anything of the Incident when he could help it. He had, unsuccessfully, considered therapy but the feelings were still too raw. His right hand, miraculously healed as a “gift” from G-Man, just had a painful twinge every now and then and Gordon was reminded of the pain and panic running through his body again.

Instead of coping with his feelings and the leftover trauma, he put the energy into time with Joshua. He became a full-time father, picking him up from his grandparents as soon as he could and devoted to make up for the lost time between them.

It was early afternoon when Gordon was laying on his couch, half falling asleep, as Joshua sat in front of him playing with his toys. The TV was on some nameless forgettable kids show and Joshua seemed just as bored with it. He preferred to play with his cowboys.

Gordon woke himself up for the fourth time and he decided he had to move. He pushed himself up from the couch, wiping away the sleep and shaking himself up.

“You want lunch, Joshy?”

Josuah turned back to look at him. Wide green eyes stared with some level of understanding and he quickly nodded.

Gordon smiled. Josh didn’t speak much, but he was so expressive and communicative so it didn’t really matter.

Gordon pushed himself up from the couch. His legs were sluggish and slow, just dragging him halfway to the kitchen when there was a knock on the door.

Josh whipped his head around to look towards the door, but quickly went back to playing with his toys. Gordon gave him one last look before he crossed over the living room to the door.

Just as Gordon was trying to remember if he had ordered anything, or maybe if Tommy or Dr Coomer mentioned sending anything for Josh’s upcoming birthday, he opened the door, and there Benrey stood.

A flood of emotions rushed to Gordon all at once fighting one another for release and shocking him to a complete standstill.

Benrey had done away with the shirt and security vest, and instead wore a loose blue t-shirt. Its collar hung low on his collar bones and half of it was tucked in to his dark washed-in jeans. He had no helmet to tame his hair, but it looked more controlled than Gordon had ever seen it. It was brushed and managed, still falling around his shoulders and flicking out every few strands but looked soft as silk.

Seeing Benrey out of his security clothes felt sacrilegious, and somehow tender. He immediately had a softer approach to himself. His body was no longer hidden under the chunk of his vest or shirt. Benrey didn’t look like the strongest man, but the work clothes were hiding some of his muscle. His arms, lean and defined stuck, close against his sides. His thighs were thick and firm and shuffling slightly as nerves seemed to have taken Benrey just as shock had taken Gordon.

He kept eye contact with Gordon as long as he could before they blinked, fluttering and glancing away.

“Uhh…” The first words out of his mouth, to Gordon, after all this time, was a mumble, and Gordon felt his heart soar. “T-Tommy said you lived here.” He held up a slip of paper in his hand and Gordon glanced down for just a second to see the neat, careful writing of Tommy’s.

“I didn’t know if I should call or announce myself somehow.” He carried on. His voice lost a little part of his mumble. “Didn’t know the proper eti-e…way for this.”

He brought his eyes up to Gordon’s again. Like a warm heat, Gordon felt himself melt as they just stared to each other for a long while.

“Y-You-uh…still wanna talk?”

And they did.


End file.
